02-06-2013, 07:43 PM
Brandon, why "ballad"? Where is the link between a ballad and the rest of the imagery? Who/what is "colouring" the dusk, and what colour is it being coloured? How/why do her eyes "tremble"? What are her defences specifically?
There is nothing wrong with using any of these terms but they MUST be given a context. That's (probably) what Tectak means by "poetic padding". If you're going to use an unusual phrase, just plonking it down in a list of other unusual phrases is not going to work. There needs to be a link -- if you're going to use "ballad" for example, link it with sounds. You already have humming. There's no need for the colouring, it should be a song.
There is nothing wrong with using any of these terms but they MUST be given a context. That's (probably) what Tectak means by "poetic padding". If you're going to use an unusual phrase, just plonking it down in a list of other unusual phrases is not going to work. There needs to be a link -- if you're going to use "ballad" for example, link it with sounds. You already have humming. There's no need for the colouring, it should be a song.
It could be worse