02-06-2013, 07:37 PM
(02-06-2013, 06:07 PM)brandontoh Wrote: Thanks tectak! Do you mind elaborating on what you mean by poetic padding please? I get what you mean by that the first stanza doesn't really do much to the poem, and achieves nothing much. Also, I meant the humming to mean silence after the first 'I'll stay'. >< Guess that doesn't work out well.
Okay, here's another edit. Hopefully it did capture the essence of your comments tectak.
This is YOUR poem so I am suggesting ONLY!
The reborn glimmer of streetlamps
glints on the tears in your eyes.
Dusk falls in to a spectrum of colour,
shifting from light into ballad.
From your quivering lips I hear
you quietly hum; the lament of a moon
with a distant earthly love.
It is the sound of your defences fading away.
Or something. Best, tectak
I decided to go back to the moon. Nature just doesn't fit the whole imagery I'm trying to build. =/