hi brandon
i like the latter half (the last two stanza) the first stanza feels like it's trying to hard to be poetry. write it in the style of the last two and i'm sure it'll shine.
it's not too bad
i like the latter half (the last two stanza) the first stanza feels like it's trying to hard to be poetry. write it in the style of the last two and i'm sure it'll shine.
(02-06-2013, 04:47 PM)brandontoh Wrote: I hope this isn't too bad a love poem. =/ I seem to have problems with anything relating to positive emotions. So hopefully this is a decent attempt! >< Thanks for reading my poem!
To Kathy
Dusk got coloured
Into ballad.
Streetlamps highlight
Eyes sparkling cliche
With stopped tears.
Quiet hums of the moon i have yet to hear the moon hum
Signal the fortress’ crumbling. this stanza feels to cold, too tight.
The embrace follows,
A dance screaming for avowal.
So once more, I borrow the night air, is So needed?
And cast the spell
With more affirmation.
“I’ll stay.”
Then the town dimmed,
And I hear
The stars applauding. like the ending a lot, it reeks of that singing in the rain feeling
it's not too bad