02-05-2013, 01:35 PM
great poem. I particularly appreciate the skill with which you avoided the extremes of saccharine/gushy and cynical/cold, not too easy with the subject matter.
The poem has a good balance of beautiful imagery (I particularly liked the 5th stanza) and a cutting message.
I guess my critique would be that the structure could be more refined (it currently seems quite ad-hoc). With longer poems (more than say 5 stanzas) I personally like more structure, as it keeps me focused and draws me through the piece. The story and imagery here definitely did that for me, but some form of logical structure would help to emphasize it.
The poem has a good balance of beautiful imagery (I particularly liked the 5th stanza) and a cutting message.
I guess my critique would be that the structure could be more refined (it currently seems quite ad-hoc). With longer poems (more than say 5 stanzas) I personally like more structure, as it keeps me focused and draws me through the piece. The story and imagery here definitely did that for me, but some form of logical structure would help to emphasize it.
If something happens and you can remedy it, Why worry?
And if something happens that you can't remedy, Still why worry?
www.benjack.co.nz
And if something happens that you can't remedy, Still why worry?
www.benjack.co.nz