the morning after (was: Manha de carnaval)

[tectak]

Thank you to Billy. I feel this will not be the last revision. Which is why I post here


Revision 1:

I lay down these notes now
for everyone to read.



I grew up with my head hidden
under bushes close to the road.
You can tell, I was scared.

It did not get better later.
Same shame and same panic.
I was good at making me trouble.
For nothing but for being.

If you’re unwanted
by your mom, You feel guilt.
I am sorry that I am.
Life always scares me

I worked my way around people.
Stayed at home,
masturbating my dreams
of luck to come.

It did eventually
but I was too old then
to grasp it really.

Festival da alegria;
I work my way up
to dance on Brazilian beaches.

I am free now
but its late.

Michel Tournier’s Canada
is my brazil (dreamland).
I feel at home best alone.
I care not about clichés.

I am here. I live

still

Most beautiful woman (or: human, not sure)
I ever saw passing by.

Will she love me?
She did and I lost her again.

These days I mainly cover up time,
sometimes sadly assuming she must be alive.
But these are daydreams.

I read books to her, soft-voiced,
she fell asleep then.

I kissed her tenderly
and now she is gone
and I went to her graveyard
once only.

The pain's still too big
to be fixed.

I can't.

-----------------
* Garota de Ipanema



-----------------------------------------------------

Original:

I lay down these notes now
for everyone to read.

Papers about a mission lost

http://youtu.be/nJJcW9YTlG4


I grew up with my head hidden
under bushes close to the road.
You can tell, I was scared.

It did not get better later.
Same shame and same panic.
I was good at making me trouble.
Pour rien. For nothing,
Just for being.

If you’re unwanted
by your mom, You feel guilt.

I am sorry that I am.

You can tell I was scared of
life always.

I worked my way around people.
Staid at home.
masturbating my dreams
of luck to come.
It did eventually
but I was too old then
to grasp it really.

Festival da alegria;
I work my way up
to dance on Brazilian beeches.

I am free now
but its late.
Si tard maintenant.

I am sorry that I am.
Michel Tournier’s Canada
est mon Brésil.
I feel at home best alone.
I care not about clichés.

I am here. I live

still


É a coisa mais linda que eu ja vi passar.*
Most beautiful thing I ever saw passing by.

Will she love me?
She did and I lost her again.

These days I mainly cover up time,
sometimes sadly assuming she must be alive.
But these are daydreams.

I read books to her, soft-voiced,
she fell asleep then.

I kissed her tenderly
and now she is gone
and I went to her graveyard
once only.

The pain's still too big
to be fixed.

I can't.

-----------------
* Garota de Ipanema

Hi serge,
[I am finding difficulty in choosing which direction criticism should come from in this piece. First of all, I think that we are all skirting around the obvious out of misplaced diplomacy. You use expressions and words in a bizarre way which though you would have us believe is stylistic, I am increasingly beginning to believe is actually accidental. I can give examples and you can tell me I am wrong.
"I was good at making me trouble.
For nothing but for being" though just about making sense is in truth dreadful english.....but very good for a german! So here we have a problem which is purely one of translation. It can be corrected. It SHOULD be corrected.
" I was good at getting into trouble
for nothing except being me" is better.There are other examples of this type.
Billy very kindly credited you with a nuance of the language which I know was not your intention. The line was simple...and not deceptively so.
"I am sorry that I am" was meant to mean " I am sorry that I exist". That is all. To billy's credit he saw that but for punctuation it could read "
"I am sorry, that I am"....a kind of Cornish yokel-speak, and most certainly not intended,by you, to be dual meaning.
Now, the masturbation line is a little more difficult to crit because it IS a creditable line, if perhaps a little gratuitous unless you wank a good deal so use the word in a familiar, easy way. In which case there is considerable need for punctuation to avoid the reader's not unnatural tendency to look for the imagined double entendre!
So:
Staid at home. (do you mean stayed as in remained or staid as in stoic?)
masturbating my dreams
of luck to come.
Option1 )
Stayed at home masturbating, my dreams of luck to come.
Option 2) Stayed at home masturbating my dreams of luck (in order ) to come.
Option 3) Staid at home. Masturbating my dreams, of luck to come.
You see my point?
Actually, it gets better if you bring the "inability to grasp" into the mess!
What am I saying? I think we are losing some good work by you in translation. I would like you to write something in your native german....we crits could then run it through a couple of internet translators and see if we could tell the difference
Serious points.
I like your bravado in tackling complex relationship issues. I enjoy immensely your candid, unselfconscious style. I am, frankly, lost sometimes in your mangled english....though more often it is better than some natives.
I just could not help but smile at the image of you dancing on beeches
Yeah,yeah.....you really meant it.....like I love bear!
Best,
tectak