The Day Before It Ended (Revision 2-3-13)

[Todd]

Hi Todd, how are things? This poem reads very nicely. It reminds me of some American mid west novel, you know the scene just before something big happens; the uneventful scene that the writer makes sound really good, even though notting is happening. But really it all feels a bit brown or gray. Also I really love the ending. Great job

Things are good Jae, thanks. Brown or gray sounds good to me. Thanks for the comments.

Best,

Todd

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Hey I appreciate the comments. The reason I continue to tweak this is it feels close to me, but not quite on. Discussion below:

[quote='Todd' pid='46152' dateline='1291835385']
Revision 2

We drank a tasteless Shiraz
in that trendy café on Union,
chewing words like stale breadstruggling to find nits, here, todd. Small point and a common one. Confilct of terms in your metaphor BUT the intent is clear. Chewing
is a verb, bread is a noun. So chewing is like bread? "The words we chewed were like stale bread" or "we chewed words as we would stale bread",;.As I said, pedantic but it is very good enough as it is.

You're keying in on points that have annoyed me in the poem. I personally hate the repetition of we in the beginning of the line though I know its technically correct with the tense change. I have thought about "Chewing words as we would stale bread" The as feels write in that construction though to be honest I'm not sure what's better at the moment. I'm a play piano by ear sort of writer and I know it gets me into trouble sometimes.

in a litany of root canals and laundry,is this a continuation of the sentence in last stanza? I will keep on asking, why the gap? What is it for? Should I have a coffee in between? How do you see this pause?
groceries and endless
soccer games.......but again, it is saved by its hallmark. It is gold

The strophe break is here because when I edited and decided to continue on into this section I wanted the slowness of how painfully slow the conversation was going. It could be that it doesn't work. There are other constructions I've considered. First three strophes connected, then break for S4, then break for the last two lines.

You spoke of that place
you’d read about,
something about mangos,
some island somewhere,
which you might like to visit. not the best stanza. Whistfully constructed and possibly apposite for all that. I am left a little unsure of the craft in this. My problem

I nodded,
as always,
felt your lips
light brush.

Our kiss now faded:
a postmark on a letter i can sigh into this line. Very pensive
from people
we no longer knew. you are in a tense tense region,here. I want it to be "...from people we no longer know" but you do not. Trouble is, I don't know what you do want it to be

I'll put know on the list and consider it. Like I've said I'm so glacially slow with rewrites, all these things just need to sit in my head for awhile.

In the indistinct gray light,
no particular bird was singing. so little here but meaning so much. Clever

Your stuff really benefits from workshopping. The edit is excellent and I am just being picky. Very well done.
Best,
tectak

Thank you.