02-03-2013, 05:10 AM
Hi Leanne, thank you for reading me and the feedback. I will make some changes right now and then let it simmer a bit. I will tell right here what I changed because I won't write a rev. (too time-consuming. I'm somewhere else already but I do appreciate your efforts.
cheers
Serge
Leanne:
Not a biggie anymore
to surrealize my being,
born in an explosion -- I tend to want a more surrealistic word than "explosion", something unexpected. Even though you're NOT "surrealizing" anymore, this line is still about that previous existence.
of Beckettian mantras. -- surreal, absurd, who cares about the label? They're all born of the same frustration with the mundane, so Beckett works (and of course without him, the title wouldn't make as much sense, or nonsense).
I can't change this because I have nothing better right now.
Leanne:
Not a biggie anymore
to surrealize my being,
born in an explosion -- I tend to want a more surrealistic word than "explosion", something unexpected. Even though you're NOT "surrealizing" anymore, this line is still about that previous existence.
of Beckettian mantras. -- surreal, absurd, who cares about the label? They're all born of the same frustration with the mundane, so Beckett works (and of course without him, the title wouldn't make as much sense, or nonsense).
I can't change this because I have nothing better right now.
"should not they? -- the inversion just doesn't work for me at all, except together with "it's cumbersome" -- if you want to leave it, I'd be tempted to remove this stanza break and put the lines together"
I throw this out. ;-) no harm.
Leanne:
Not a biggie anymore
to surrealize my being,
born in an explosion -- I tend to want a more surrealistic word than "explosion", something unexpected. Even though you're NOT "surrealizing" anymore, this line is still about that previous existence.
of Beckettian mantras. -- surreal, absurd, who cares about the label? They're all born of the same frustration with the mundane, so Beckett works (and of course without him, the title wouldn't make as much sense, or nonsense).
I can't change this because I have nothing better right now.
"should not they? -- the inversion just doesn't work for me at all, except together with "it's cumbersome" -- if you want to leave it, I'd be tempted to remove this stanza break and put the lines together"
I throw this out. ;-) no harm.
"I’ll dance it macabrees. -- I'm not convinced the pun/fusion works and it seems to be thrown in just for effect. Danse macabre by all means, that fits -- but I really can't force the Maccabees into the concept at all, so for me there's no pay-off."
right! :-)
you like Billy Preston? I do. Here is a link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pMb4OhxdEU&feature=share&list=AL94UKMTqg-9CEp9PRgSjV7u8vGctB0Bh8
explosion:
what I can do, Leanne, is making it an
implosion.
(which I will ;-) )
Don’t fuck the
virgins. -- good rule, good ending
yup. lol
cheers
Serge
Leanne:
Not a biggie anymore
to surrealize my being,
born in an explosion -- I tend to want a more surrealistic word than "explosion", something unexpected. Even though you're NOT "surrealizing" anymore, this line is still about that previous existence.
of Beckettian mantras. -- surreal, absurd, who cares about the label? They're all born of the same frustration with the mundane, so Beckett works (and of course without him, the title wouldn't make as much sense, or nonsense).
I can't change this because I have nothing better right now.
Leanne:
Not a biggie anymore
to surrealize my being,
born in an explosion -- I tend to want a more surrealistic word than "explosion", something unexpected. Even though you're NOT "surrealizing" anymore, this line is still about that previous existence.
of Beckettian mantras. -- surreal, absurd, who cares about the label? They're all born of the same frustration with the mundane, so Beckett works (and of course without him, the title wouldn't make as much sense, or nonsense).
I can't change this because I have nothing better right now.
"should not they? -- the inversion just doesn't work for me at all, except together with "it's cumbersome" -- if you want to leave it, I'd be tempted to remove this stanza break and put the lines together"
I throw this out. ;-) no harm.
Leanne:
Not a biggie anymore
to surrealize my being,
born in an explosion -- I tend to want a more surrealistic word than "explosion", something unexpected. Even though you're NOT "surrealizing" anymore, this line is still about that previous existence.
of Beckettian mantras. -- surreal, absurd, who cares about the label? They're all born of the same frustration with the mundane, so Beckett works (and of course without him, the title wouldn't make as much sense, or nonsense).
I can't change this because I have nothing better right now.
"should not they? -- the inversion just doesn't work for me at all, except together with "it's cumbersome" -- if you want to leave it, I'd be tempted to remove this stanza break and put the lines together"
I throw this out. ;-) no harm.
"I’ll dance it macabrees. -- I'm not convinced the pun/fusion works and it seems to be thrown in just for effect. Danse macabre by all means, that fits -- but I really can't force the Maccabees into the concept at all, so for me there's no pay-off."
right! :-)
you like Billy Preston? I do. Here is a link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pMb4OhxdEU&feature=share&list=AL94UKMTqg-9CEp9PRgSjV7u8vGctB0Bh8
explosion:
what I can do, Leanne, is making it an
implosion.
(which I will ;-) )
Don’t fuck the
virgins. -- good rule, good ending
yup. lol