(02-01-2013, 07:53 PM)serge gurkski Wrote: Turds of God
Not a biggie anymore
to surrealize my being,
born in an explosion -- I tend to want a more surrealistic word than "explosion", something unexpected. Even though you're NOT "surrealizing" anymore, this line is still about that previous existence.
of Beckettian mantras. -- surreal, absurd, who cares about the label? They're all born of the same frustration with the mundane, so Beckett works (and of course without him, the title wouldn't make as much sense, or nonsense).
A pale pulse shivered.
My lines seduced by booze
reduced to typing
my rant straight out: -- I'm not convinced this line is necessary
The winter had decided
not to come upon us as of yet; -- you could remove "as of" -- instead of "yet", you might also consider a more specific time, such as "this week" or "today" or "before half past two"
instead it chose procrastination
and blew warm rainy winds
into our stupid faces. -- stupid is a bit lame as an adjective, especially following the fairly standard "warm rainy", which I can accept if this line is a bit less crap in contrast
There’s some April to come yet,
as unloved as before:
this is the fifth week of the year.
It meets me unprepared,
I’ll try its tribulations
I’ll dance it macabrees. -- I'm not convinced the pun/fusion works and it seems to be thrown in just for effect. Danse macabre by all means, that fits -- but I really can't force the Maccabees into the concept at all, so for me there's no pay-off.
I macaronize what
it holds dear
because it does the same to me.
I cannot fight it but I will. -- a bit prosaic here
I love those fights, -- no comma required really
that can’t go well,
because they’re real
and leave me hanging
in frowzy, sneering alleys -- great adjectives
because they tell my life to me. -- maybe you'd consider "tell my tale"?
Lonesome crows sail
like turds of god
across my sullen
deep white-yellow skies. -- is this a reference to the words on the page? If it is, it's masterful -- if it's not, it's possibly masterful as well... I just didn't pick up on it immediately
Allow me to step out a bit!
I’m dying
Just as you
But a bit soonishlier. -- nice drunken slur, very Irish
To plot this up
I add meat
To be torn apart
Just for you Heslopians,
Wise guys you.
Someone at least should benefit
should not they? -- the inversion just doesn't work for me at all, except together with "it's cumbersome" -- if you want to leave it, I'd be tempted to remove this stanza break and put the lines together
It’s cumbersome but
having but time nothing
why not go there
wasting your life time
making sense? -- quite right!
SENSE
Wounds -- there's a clear volta here and it's quite well done
Pain in my lower jaw right:
see your dentist soon.
Not me, bring on the pills.
Once you wake you will know
How and why and when
did it all go wrong?
I fucked her good this morn
And now she’s dating.
Don’t get me wrong
Just know that I do not care
As long as the pusher’s coming by.
She’s dating for fixes, I know-
I know, I know, I know
It. -- needed? I don't think so
Poison
I’m your virus.
I’m inserting my
poison right into your vein. -- I find this line a bit heavy handed and obvious -- my suggestion is either virus or poison, not both, and get rid of the vein.
I can make love me, you know?
Just takes the sec
Morphine rolls out
inside of you.
But you’re innocent,
so I step back.
My rule being:
Don’t fuck the
virgins. -- good rule, good ending
--------------------------------------
listening to Soul Dressing, performed by Roy Buchanan:
http://youtu.be/EEeoqx2WPYQ
It could be worse