02-03-2013, 04:13 AM
Some terrific lines here, Jae, and a fascinating premise. The rhymes are off-meter but done in such a way that when read aloud, the tone seems almost conversational despite some of the complex wording -- this is an interesting effect and it works for me.
For me, the alliteration in L12 is just a bit too much -- alliterating on p always runs the risk of Peter Piper-ing
The first line sets the poem up beautifully, but it's the last line that will stay in my head (as is right).
For me, the alliteration in L12 is just a bit too much -- alliterating on p always runs the risk of Peter Piper-ing
The first line sets the poem up beautifully, but it's the last line that will stay in my head (as is right).
It could be worse