02-03-2013, 12:50 AM
Sershh
I will always tell you to remove words - so let me see which words here I like.
Turds of God
Not a biggie anymore => I like the chatty vernacular style of this opener
to surrealize my being,=> and so of course we know it has been a biggie before.
born in an explosion
of Beckettian mantras
pulsating in a pale
shivering way, my lines => for my taste to many adjectives here, how about 'a pale pulse shivered'?
seduced by booze reduced=> comma after booze?
to typing my rant
straight out:
The winter had decided
not to come upon us as of yet;
instead it chose procrastination => could you do without 'it chose'?
and blew warm rainy winds => do you need 'and'?
into our stupid faces.
There’s some April to come yet, => do you need 'yet'?
as unloved as before: => do you need 'as'? (The first one)
this is the fifth week of the year.
It meets me unprepared, => 'this fifth week of the year // meets me unprepared
I’ll try its tribulations
I’ll dance it macabrees.
I macaronize what
it holds dear
because it does the same to me.
I cannot fight it but I will.
I love those fights,
that can’t go well,
because they’re real
and leave me hanging
in frowzy, sneering alleys => full stop? even line break perhaps.
because they tell my life to me.
Some lonesome crows ,
they keep on sailing
like turds of god
across my sullen
deep white-yellow skies.
bit confused- I thought you changed this last already
I like it
one of the things I like is the way the language becomes increasingly pared down and increasingly abstract as we leave the vernacular behind and in the beginning.
cheers
stalky
I will always tell you to remove words - so let me see which words here I like.
Turds of God
Not a biggie anymore => I like the chatty vernacular style of this opener
to surrealize my being,=> and so of course we know it has been a biggie before.
born in an explosion
of Beckettian mantras
pulsating in a pale
shivering way, my lines => for my taste to many adjectives here, how about 'a pale pulse shivered'?
seduced by booze reduced=> comma after booze?
to typing my rant
straight out:
The winter had decided
not to come upon us as of yet;
instead it chose procrastination => could you do without 'it chose'?
and blew warm rainy winds => do you need 'and'?
into our stupid faces.
There’s some April to come yet, => do you need 'yet'?
as unloved as before: => do you need 'as'? (The first one)
this is the fifth week of the year.
It meets me unprepared, => 'this fifth week of the year // meets me unprepared
I’ll try its tribulations
I’ll dance it macabrees.
I macaronize what
it holds dear
because it does the same to me.
I cannot fight it but I will.
I love those fights,
that can’t go well,
because they’re real
and leave me hanging
in frowzy, sneering alleys => full stop? even line break perhaps.
because they tell my life to me.
Some lonesome crows ,
they keep on sailing
like turds of god
across my sullen
deep white-yellow skies.
bit confused- I thought you changed this last already
I like it
one of the things I like is the way the language becomes increasingly pared down and increasingly abstract as we leave the vernacular behind and in the beginning.
cheers
stalky