The Night the Blacks Came

[billy]

breakfast now but so far i've read it a few times and liked it a lot. will give some feedback in a while

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hi rowens, i like the gritty stereotyping you have going on here. it's sets up a good tension within the poem. i think this is one the best poems i've seen you write. it's earthy and cold and warm. the rural feel of it is extremely well done and the narrative is strong and un-clichéd
really enjoyed the read. no constructive feedback bar what's in the body of the poem
thanks for putting it up

Mama was white,
And she was pissed,
And she was good at making money:
So no one said anything. not very image rich but a great start, it shows that not everything needs an image. narrative also works well.

But the night the blacks came,
She got out of line. this is where the tension builds
—It was a white Christmas, is the - needed, and why isn't it capped (just a joke to show that not every line needs a capped letter to start it, that said you did cap the it?
And we didn’t get much that year;
Though mama made sure that what we got
Was worth every penny she spent. i like the way you show her to be this strong minded woman

That was the night the blacks came, i like the reinforcing this line has, again more tension
It was twenty past twelve, if it's in the am isn't it christmas day?
Christmas eve,—Christmas day was on its way:
But this was the night the blacks came. the build up is still working well

They were quiet, and polite,
Nothing like mama had told us about blacks.
We hadn’t been in town for months;
There was a new night club,
And the blacks hung out around there,
And walked up and down those streets
Day and night. here the tension is eased and the blacks start to be less fearful

We had missed our town,
And longed for our town, in all our dreams, i think i see what you're saying but i'm forcing myself to.
With our eyes wide open, we watched
Time take its toll on what life had become. this line feels like filler
Mama said it wasn’t our town any more.

The blacks came,
I heard them, their soft, warm voices;
Their delicate, open footsteps on our so silent sidewalk, no need for the first comma
Up onto our deserted porch.
—I heard the animal sounds, no need for the - the animal makes the tension rise again
The four-leg running through the woods and lowers, i love the use of four-leg
Behind the house…

And they’d come to offer us a deer.
In case we were mad that they were chasing
Deer through our lawn.
As fair in their guilt,
As their innocent palms could offer
In front of us,
The children that harbored reindeer, and dreams
Of suga plums in our heads… i'm wondering if suga plums is the right spelling? for me this verse is excellent in turning the poem completely around.

But mama sent them away,
With their hands, their smiles,
Their fear and their innocence.
Mama was white, Christmas was white,
But night was black, the town was black…
And we, adopted children, were too.

And mama couldn’t shine us,
No matter how much we owned. great last two stanza.