01-31-2013, 02:48 AM
[quote='rowens' pid='113851' dateline='1359565177'] I have read this through rowens. It is very good. There are inconsistencies of language but they could very easily be "in character". There are some irritations ( I use that word a good deal to indicate a personal foible) which others may disagree with....but they are of minor consequence. This piece does not need a line by line but it deserves one. Here goes.
Mama was white,
And she was pissed,
And she was good at making money:
So no one said anything.Irritating capitalisation of each line, particularly when using conjunctions. Excellent opener and scene-setting.
But the night the blacks came,5
She got out of line.
—It was a white Christmas, The hyphen/dash means,and does, nothing. If you want a pensive pause before the line push the first two lines of this stanza up to the first stanza. That is where they belong, anyway. This stanza will then begin with "It was a white Christmas" Perfect.
And we didn’t get much that year;
Though mama made sure that what we got
Was worth every penny she spent. Very appropriate observation and thought. Excellent conceptualising. As simple as it needs to be but no simpler.
That was the night the blacks came, A full stop at this line end?
It was twenty past twelve,
Christmas eve,—Christmas day was on its way: Again with the hyphen/dash. There really is no need for it. Full stop after "eve" does it. A hyphen links words, not cameos. Dashes usually interject a comment to add a little more information-like an explanation-to the reader.
But this was the night the blacks came.
They were quiet, and polite,
Nothing like mama had told us about blacks.
We hadn’t been in town for months;
There was a new night club,
And the blacks hung out around there,
And walked up and down those streets
Day and night.
We had missed our town,
And longed for our town, in all our dreams full stop here. You have completed a perfect sentence. Move on
With our eyes wide open, we watchedComma superfuous?
Time take its toll on what life had become.
Mama said it wasn’t our town any more.
The blacks came, Though a repeated refrain I think this line needs the resigned finality which isolation gives. Full stop at line end would do it
I heard them, their soft, warm voices; I am getting drawn in to this and so I might be over-sensitive. I think full-stop after "...them." same reason as above.
" Their soft,warm voices and
their delicate, open footsteps on our silent sidewalk," . Not sure what an "open" footstep is, though
Their delicate, open footsteps on our so silent sidewalk,
Up onto our deserted porch.
—I heard the animal sounds,Drop the dash. New stanza
The four-leg running through the woods
Behind the house…
And they’d come to offer us a deer.Superfluous "and" but this is the "in character" style which may be deliberate. If so, ignore me
In case we were mad that they were chasing
Deer through our lawn.
As fair in their guilt, No comma required
As their innocent palms could offer
In front of ussemi-colon, to give credibility to the thought process.
The children that harbored reindeer, and dreams
Of suga plums in our heads…sugar typo. Now the thought process is in its whistful end. Some may say no to the ellipsis...but not me
But mama sent them away,
With their hands, their smiles,
Their fear and their innocence.
Mama was white, Christmas was white,
But night was black, the town was black…
And we, adopted children, were too.
And mama couldn’t shine us,
No matter how much we owned.Quite,quite beautiful. A great perceptive rush of an ending. Commendable. Are you listening, leanne.
Hogworthy best,
tectak
[quote]
Mama was white,
And she was pissed,
And she was good at making money:
So no one said anything.Irritating capitalisation of each line, particularly when using conjunctions. Excellent opener and scene-setting.
But the night the blacks came,5
She got out of line.
—It was a white Christmas, The hyphen/dash means,and does, nothing. If you want a pensive pause before the line push the first two lines of this stanza up to the first stanza. That is where they belong, anyway. This stanza will then begin with "It was a white Christmas" Perfect.
And we didn’t get much that year;
Though mama made sure that what we got
Was worth every penny she spent. Very appropriate observation and thought. Excellent conceptualising. As simple as it needs to be but no simpler.
That was the night the blacks came, A full stop at this line end?
It was twenty past twelve,
Christmas eve,—Christmas day was on its way: Again with the hyphen/dash. There really is no need for it. Full stop after "eve" does it. A hyphen links words, not cameos. Dashes usually interject a comment to add a little more information-like an explanation-to the reader.
But this was the night the blacks came.
They were quiet, and polite,
Nothing like mama had told us about blacks.
We hadn’t been in town for months;
There was a new night club,
And the blacks hung out around there,
And walked up and down those streets
Day and night.
We had missed our town,
And longed for our town, in all our dreams full stop here. You have completed a perfect sentence. Move on
With our eyes wide open, we watchedComma superfuous?
Time take its toll on what life had become.
Mama said it wasn’t our town any more.
The blacks came, Though a repeated refrain I think this line needs the resigned finality which isolation gives. Full stop at line end would do it
I heard them, their soft, warm voices; I am getting drawn in to this and so I might be over-sensitive. I think full-stop after "...them." same reason as above.
" Their soft,warm voices and
their delicate, open footsteps on our silent sidewalk," . Not sure what an "open" footstep is, though
Their delicate, open footsteps on our so silent sidewalk,
Up onto our deserted porch.
—I heard the animal sounds,Drop the dash. New stanza
The four-leg running through the woods
Behind the house…
And they’d come to offer us a deer.Superfluous "and" but this is the "in character" style which may be deliberate. If so, ignore me
In case we were mad that they were chasing
Deer through our lawn.
As fair in their guilt, No comma required
As their innocent palms could offer
In front of ussemi-colon, to give credibility to the thought process.
The children that harbored reindeer, and dreams
Of suga plums in our heads…sugar typo. Now the thought process is in its whistful end. Some may say no to the ellipsis...but not me
But mama sent them away,
With their hands, their smiles,
Their fear and their innocence.
Mama was white, Christmas was white,
But night was black, the town was black…
And we, adopted children, were too.
And mama couldn’t shine us,
No matter how much we owned.Quite,quite beautiful. A great perceptive rush of an ending. Commendable. Are you listening, leanne.
Hogworthy best,
tectak
[quote]