01-30-2013, 11:15 AM
todd more or less said it all. i'd like to reinforce the part about cutting out what doesn't add anything to the poem phrases like stars stand alone...are they, do they? the japanese haiku is great in showing use how to write an image, though of course a larger poem has more than just a fleeting moment being captured. what do stars do? mainly they burn, so why not;
The stars burn
just a suggestion, you could use something else
in the wide open unknown; wide and open can mean the same thing, are they both needed?
The stars burn
in the wide unknown
Bright, and yet submerged in blackness.; again, are words like 'and yet' needed?
The stars burn
in the wide unknown
Bright, submerged in blackness.
we can look at this and still ask is 'the' needed?
Stars burn
in the wide unknown
Bright, submerged in blackness. if you wish you can now play the word moving game, does bright look better at the beginning of the 2nd line or the end of the 1st, can the same be done with every stanza. maybe, maybe not, but really give it some thought, if it does, see what you come up with, then do the same thing again and add depth. the edit is or can be a long drawn out process but it well worth learning how to do it
The stars burn
just a suggestion, you could use something else
in the wide open unknown; wide and open can mean the same thing, are they both needed?
The stars burn
in the wide unknown
Bright, and yet submerged in blackness.; again, are words like 'and yet' needed?
The stars burn
in the wide unknown
Bright, submerged in blackness.
we can look at this and still ask is 'the' needed?
Stars burn
in the wide unknown
Bright, submerged in blackness. if you wish you can now play the word moving game, does bright look better at the beginning of the 2nd line or the end of the 1st, can the same be done with every stanza. maybe, maybe not, but really give it some thought, if it does, see what you come up with, then do the same thing again and add depth. the edit is or can be a long drawn out process but it well worth learning how to do it
(01-29-2013, 03:20 AM)Ariadne Storm Wrote: 'The Lone Star'
The stars stand alone,
In the wide open unknown.
Bright, and yet submerged in blackness.
And then,
A speck of life,
Bright, blinding in the never-ending night.
A world so lonely, and yet bursting with hope,
A drifter in the nonexistent wind.
In this world of broken souls,
Each one sad and decrepit, quietly weeping.
Trapped in a cocoon,
writhing to break free.
Yet there are millions, perhaps billions of stories to tell,
Each one unique, a tidal wave of emotion.
And while the stories yearn to be told,
I stay silent, hushed.
Weary of the emptiness which presses, encompasses,
swallows life and death.
Til in my sight, the burst of light fades to black.
And here in my darkness.
I sit, alone, waiting,
for a shining light to rescue me,
Save me from this eternal fog,
That clouds my sight and hinders all thought.
For if I were to stay in this endless state,
I would surely succumb to that most feared death,
one of misery and silence,
lost and alone, among the stars.
Not my first poem, but my first post on any forum (ever). I'm still in high school, so excuse any technical issues - I haven't learnt very much regarding the technical aspects of poetry writing. I'd really love to know how this poem made you feel, and what you think the subject of the poem is. Any feedback on how to improve my flow and other aspects of the writing is also very welcome. Thank you, in advance, for your time and input.