Vulnerable

[brandontoh]

Here is my first poem to post, so please do tear me to shreds


Cast out all romantic expectations as fish to sea. -- This simile is confusing, and doesn't really help with the imagery especially since it's not kept consistent throughout the poem. Attempting to do it is good, but try not to introduce too many different ones, and if you do, make sure they make sense.
Now I attend to practice with no affair,
For at times I indulged my passions in her bonnie, -- These 2 lines are good. They work well to set the stage for the rest of the piece.

Now I glaze when she comes there,
But when it's her eye I see, -- This is about trimming the fats and wording. The way it's written currently feels too literal for me. Personally I'd go for something like "It's her again" and "Eyes glazed, when mine met hers" or something along those lines.
Tis much to bear,
And away I ride upon love's chariot. -- This sounds a little hyperbolic, but maybe that's what you're going for. This is mostly just me I believe, because I'm such a cynic of love.

With what little will I muster,
I pinch it shut to dull her luster,
From these accounts I contrive:
A growing hate for her eyes, -- Now, if you're already going for riding upon love's chariot, you might as well go all the way. Like, your word choices can be more bombastic and more 'exciting'. As it stands the impact is not there. The imagery works as it stands, but I believe it can be more powerful with some rewordings.

A blank stare only spared,
Glimpsing light upon her hair,
Never to see,
No, I shall not see,
From wilt, this thorn;
This agony, -- I like this stanza. It works, and is concise. The imagery is clear and more powerful than the previous one. The writing style a little different from the rest of the poem, but that's fine, since it's free verse anyway.

Calls me forth upon its peak,
Upon the lips but never to speak,
Her image burns,
The mind still churns,
From sweet to tart,
The heart doth part. -- Good finish to the poem. This stanza is the best in the whole poem, and honestly it can work as a poem by itself.

Overall it's a nice poem, but kind of inconsistent. Some revisions later and I believe it'll be much more powerful than before. Hope I'm of help. =)