Man Made Monster

[brandontoh]

1st Edit
Cornered by this damp stale room,
Cockroaches know my game,
flickering elevator to hell,
whispers that we’re all insane.

Manic strokes on calloused legs,
buckled tight, mind can’t breathe,
concrete wall will render sleep
tongue tastes iron when I bleed -- This stanza works so much better now. =) Personally I'd change the second line to something like "Buckled, tight. Mind, foggy. Can't breathe." To set in the feeling of breathlessness. It's just my personal opinion though.

Through teeth bled by guarded hands
inflicted pain with sticks concealed,
spittle runs to blood tiled floors,
the monsters makers are revealed. -- Good edit too. The imagery is stronger now, though I feel that the last line is still a little weak. Not sure how to make it better though, but as it stands, it works well.

Piss myself to gain your stage,
wild eyes have brought their fight,
the arms I bite bare my name,
moths have stained my naked light. -- The flow is better now, and I really like this last stanza, especially after the edit.

It's a good edit. I like the poem as it is, but if there's an underlying message you want to get across, or if you want the story/scenery to be carried across clearer, you may like to think about fleshing the poem out as Billy said. It's up to what you want the poem to be from here.