Man Made Monster

[Keith]

Cornered in this dim dank room,
Cockroaches know my game,
flickering elevator to hell,
whispers that we’re all insane, -- I really like this stanza. Nice imagery, and sets the mood for the whole poem. The only thing I'd change is the first line. Maybe into something more evoking like "Fetal crouch in corner dim and dank." That may spoil the rhyme scheme, however, if you want to keep it consistent.

Rubbing hands on calloused knees,
praying that my wrists will bleed,
someone help me, hurt me please,
concrete wall will feed my need. -- This stanza as a whole feels a little cliche, but not overly so. Once again, good imagery, but feels a little dry. Is it because you're trying to make it rhyme? I'm not sure.

Through teeth smashed onto doors,
open sores, once picked won’t heal,
spitting mouth, blood tiled floor,
the man made monster is revealed. -- Your stanzas so far have been providing nice imageries. I really like them. Same goes for this one. Only line 2 and 4 feels a little too 'telling' and weak. Nothing some rephrasing won't fix. =)

Piss myself to seek out pain,
wild eyes have learned to fight,
the arms I bite bare my name,
moths have stained my naked light. -- I especially like the last line. Same problem I have with the rest of the poem though. The lines are good, but I can easily see them being better than they are. I'm not sure if it's better now that I minimise the suggestions I make with my feedback, so do tell me if you prefer some rephrasing suggestions from me or not. Hope I'm of help. =)

Thank you for your considered feedback I have used it to try and improve the Edit much appreciated TOMH

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I especially enjoyed the first stanza:
Cornered in this dim dank room,
Cockroaches know my game,
flickering elevator to hell,
whispers that we’re all insane,

'Cockroaches know my game' that line stands out in my mind as being really powerful. I feel like later on it loses a little steam. The last line of the second stanza seems awkward, maybe a little forced 'concrete wall will feed my need' although I like the internal 'feed vs need' rhyme. All in all I think this is a pretty cool poem. I like the dark imagery. Might need a little revision though. <3 Thanks for sharing!

Much appreciated I have took your comments to the Edit so hope its worked out. Many thanks TOMH