01-28-2013, 04:23 AM
I must admit I had to read your comment above before the penny dropped! I see it as an excellent piece now I understand it but was confused before your explanation.If you want this piece to be appreciated without a preamble you may want to consider this, perhaps start with a look at the title.
Ruthless, mindless appetites
Feasting on sensual flesh,
Wet and hard the blood and bone
These animals lick and suck with longing.
Words such as 'ruthless' and 'feasting' guided me toward a poem in the horror genre.
What a stark contrast the Cold Ones are,
Those who refuse the fruit of carnal knowledge,
Defying our noble Garden birth,
Denying our indelible double helixes.
I think I'd prefer the 1st line of this stanza without "What"
They are trapped where hungry lions roam.
Not sure this does what you want it to do, it confused me.
This is our world without hunger:
There are no famines for those who never eat.
Tasting lips yield no flavor;
Delicious games produce no favors.
The end of this stanza feels forced.
They sleep in self-inflicted starvation,
Fingering one another with only sweet, candied strokes,
Content with inner ecstasy,
Living without gluttony.
Not sure this final stanza does enough to merit the title, ie. defend the 'Cold Ones' which leads to other questions.
Do they need defending? - Maybe their stance does, if you see what I mean.
Is there anything to be gained from defending them?
Do they merit defending?
I might be encouraging you to approach the topic from a different perspective which could change the piece significantly, but your poetic voice is strong so it could prove a constructive exercise.
Ruthless, mindless appetites
Feasting on sensual flesh,
Wet and hard the blood and bone
These animals lick and suck with longing.
Words such as 'ruthless' and 'feasting' guided me toward a poem in the horror genre.
What a stark contrast the Cold Ones are,
Those who refuse the fruit of carnal knowledge,
Defying our noble Garden birth,
Denying our indelible double helixes.
I think I'd prefer the 1st line of this stanza without "What"
They are trapped where hungry lions roam.
Not sure this does what you want it to do, it confused me.
This is our world without hunger:
There are no famines for those who never eat.
Tasting lips yield no flavor;
Delicious games produce no favors.
The end of this stanza feels forced.
They sleep in self-inflicted starvation,
Fingering one another with only sweet, candied strokes,
Content with inner ecstasy,
Living without gluttony.
Not sure this final stanza does enough to merit the title, ie. defend the 'Cold Ones' which leads to other questions.
Do they need defending? - Maybe their stance does, if you see what I mean.
Is there anything to be gained from defending them?
Do they merit defending?
I might be encouraging you to approach the topic from a different perspective which could change the piece significantly, but your poetic voice is strong so it could prove a constructive exercise.