01-27-2013, 10:04 AM
hi pete
after seeing the vid, i'm not sure i'd have associated it with the poem unless i had seen it. i'm still sure the title doesn't work as well as it should. but i like the poem, i like how you have a reason to try and create it. i think you could have used less references to silence but then again i see no real problem with them because you're obviously setting a tone. i do wonder if you could cut it down a fair bit. the kids world is very small and tight, no noise etc.
born into silence undisturbed by babble and jabber.
smiling lips in the noiseless distance,
moist eyes matched the crescent.
images engendered from this gently sinister quiescence,
burdened his innocent perceptions
great effort thanks for the read.
after seeing the vid, i'm not sure i'd have associated it with the poem unless i had seen it. i'm still sure the title doesn't work as well as it should. but i like the poem, i like how you have a reason to try and create it. i think you could have used less references to silence but then again i see no real problem with them because you're obviously setting a tone. i do wonder if you could cut it down a fair bit. the kids world is very small and tight, no noise etc.
born into silence undisturbed by babble and jabber.
smiling lips in the noiseless distance,
moist eyes matched the crescent.
images engendered from this gently sinister quiescence,
burdened his innocent perceptions
(01-23-2013, 08:08 PM)Pete Ak Wrote: He was born into silence undisturbed by the melody of babble and jabber.well worth editing i'd forgo the vid. which does help the poem but works contrary to the title. i'd also try and use a title that relates more to the poem.
There were smiling lips and, in the noiseless distance, moist eyes matched the crescent. moon? i see no problem with saying crescent mouth
Yet the images, engendered from this gentle but sinister quiescence,
burdened his innocent perceptions with knowing ignorance. feels heavy laden
White coats fluttered and busied noiselessly.
Machines, their dials awhirr with sharp jumping traces, machines: their dials a whirr
vibrated their rhythms to multitudes of faces. [a multitude]define what kind of faces
Quietude gathered around him ever more suffocatingly. is quietude really needed?
Heartbeats, unheard yet close enough to touch, murmur tales.Heartbeats unheard, close enough...
Oozing condolence, they hum mellifluously through him. is [Oozing condolence, they] needed?
One day, the rhythm of those fables encourages a different feeling this and the next line feel like a big leap from what was being spoke of
and the crescent becomes ephemeral. Uncertainty infects; then prevails.
Discomfiture, as the story-telling pulse tattoos stories new. what's wrong with discomfort? no comma needed
It pumps with expectation which, in his silent world, he cannot interpret.
Intuitively, he hopes only that safety will still reverberate
in his essence and meld seamlessly with his soundless view.
After the procedure he emerges from sleep into a new world
so he snuggles as close to the heartbeat as are lips when sealed in silent prayer.
He is aroused – ears – mind – body and spirit – respond to movement in the air
and his ‘Madeleine Moment’ occurs when he hears his very first words. i like this last line but i'm not sure it works as far as madeleine moment goes. normally a moment like that happens with serenity, (while picking one's nose or dunking a digestive biscuit in a cup of tea (tea break)) this child has just been startled out of his skin
(* I must admit to stretching the definition of ‘Madeleine Moment’ beyond that originally described by Proust!)
This piece is an attempt to use poetry to capture one of the most delightful moments I’ve ever seen on film.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTzTt1VnHRM
great effort thanks for the read.