01-27-2013, 09:47 AM
I especially enjoyed the first stanza:
Cornered in this dim dank room,
Cockroaches know my game,
flickering elevator to hell,
whispers that we’re all insane,
'Cockroaches know my game' that line stands out in my mind as being really powerful. I feel like later on it loses a little steam. The last line of the second stanza seems awkward, maybe a little forced 'concrete wall will feed my need' although I like the internal 'feed vs need' rhyme. All in all I think this is a pretty cool poem. I like the dark imagery. Might need a little revision though. <3 Thanks for sharing!
Cornered in this dim dank room,
Cockroaches know my game,
flickering elevator to hell,
whispers that we’re all insane,
'Cockroaches know my game' that line stands out in my mind as being really powerful. I feel like later on it loses a little steam. The last line of the second stanza seems awkward, maybe a little forced 'concrete wall will feed my need' although I like the internal 'feed vs need' rhyme. All in all I think this is a pretty cool poem. I like the dark imagery. Might need a little revision though. <3 Thanks for sharing!