01-27-2013, 06:18 AM
Yes, it still serves its purpose 
The words are stronger now, though not overly complicated so what's going on is still clear. I really like "a blackness, whitened by passion's flare" -- that's much more intense than the original. "shouldering burdens" is a rather common phrase but I'm not sure what to suggest instead, or even if it needs replacing.
The words are stronger now, though not overly complicated so what's going on is still clear. I really like "a blackness, whitened by passion's flare" -- that's much more intense than the original. "shouldering burdens" is a rather common phrase but I'm not sure what to suggest instead, or even if it needs replacing.
It could be worse