01-26-2013, 08:21 AM
Shameless, mindless appetites
Feasting on sensual flesh,
Wet and hard the blood and bone
These animals lick and suck with longing.
A stark contrast the Cold Ones are –
Those who refuse the fruit of carnal knowledge,
Defying our loving Garden birth;
Denying our indelible double helixes.
[They are trapped where ravenous lions roam/Ravenous lions assault the cold-blooded. → something to this effect…]
This is our world without hunger:
There are no famines for those who never eat.
Tasting lips yield no flavor;
Delicious games produce no favors.
They sleep in self-inflicted starvation,
Fingering with only sweet, candied strokes,
Content with inner ecstasy,
Living without gluttony.
---
Main Concerns
1. Title? (would like to keep “the Cold Ones” a part of it though)
2. Third stanza phrasing (one liner)
3. Is the meaning of the poem clear? (attempting to strongly imply things without directly stating)
4. Punctuation (dash, semi-colons everywhere...)
Feasting on sensual flesh,
Wet and hard the blood and bone
These animals lick and suck with longing.
A stark contrast the Cold Ones are –
Those who refuse the fruit of carnal knowledge,
Defying our loving Garden birth;
Denying our indelible double helixes.
[They are trapped where ravenous lions roam/Ravenous lions assault the cold-blooded. → something to this effect…]
This is our world without hunger:
There are no famines for those who never eat.
Tasting lips yield no flavor;
Delicious games produce no favors.
They sleep in self-inflicted starvation,
Fingering with only sweet, candied strokes,
Content with inner ecstasy,
Living without gluttony.
---
Main Concerns
1. Title? (would like to keep “the Cold Ones” a part of it though)
2. Third stanza phrasing (one liner)
3. Is the meaning of the poem clear? (attempting to strongly imply things without directly stating)
4. Punctuation (dash, semi-colons everywhere...)