01-26-2013, 06:13 AM
(01-26-2013, 02:45 AM)Pete Ak Wrote: African and European knelt -- my concern here is that "European" isn't really an homogenous racial designation and technically, neither is "African" -- while perhaps these terms serve to label the protagonists in a similar manner to society's profiling, I wonder if there's not a better way to say this. For example, "two colours knelt" (without the necessity to specify, since bigots look for any superficial difference anyway)
beneath the same cross.
Over shared missal, they were
close enough to smell the sweetness
on each other’s breath.
They talked shyly initially,
giggling unnecessarily,
she, unraveling metropolitan inanities,
he, extolling the beauty of untamed wildernesses.
They came, breathless, into each other’s
lives and joy-filled reveries. -- this stanza is very innocent and sets the scene well for what is to come
Shared moments fizzed by, yet not one seemed momentary. -- I like moments "fizzing"
Their liaison, despite its perils, cradled them into bliss
and consumed Christmas to crucifixion in the time it took to kiss. -- great imagery and sounds in this stanza
Crossing cultures with bravura,
mixing colours with chutzpah.
and with beguiling attention to each other,
they spanned generations with viaducts
cemented in trust.
Enduring summer storms of bitterness, -- almost this entire stanza is borderline cliche, though its action is necessary
using the wind of those racist tempests
to fan the flames of the life they shared.
Fearlessly shouldering burdens into winters,
the darkened paths they trod, lit up when passions flared.
But from the fire that lit their route
crackled pernicious, unholy sparks
of condemnation, spat from bloodline mouths.
Viaducts crumbled as truth flaked to dust
Neither bravura nor chutzpah
restores lustful, spring-like expectations.
Both aware of love gone amiss,
they bought each other missals
to avoid the pungency of halitosis. -- concluding with a subversion of the first stanza is inspired and works very well
It could be worse

