01-26-2013, 02:35 AM
Hi Sar, I quite enjoyed working my way through your poem, which is a double edged compliment in that I was sufficiently motivated to re-read a coupe of times but it did require working through! I felt comfortable with stanzas 1&2, less enamored by S3 where I first wondered if to touch, play or mold offered less obvious interpretations and if the difference between them was significant. Also, 'moppet of volition' whilst a pleasing line I can't figure out what it's referring to. I was confused and thrown right off track in S4 by the religious reference and sleepwalking gaily!! (not 'gayly') The final Stanza feels as if it should be important but I'm afraid I think I need a better understanding of what preceded it to do it justice.
You have a number of memorable poetic phrases which I like a lot, L1 in particular, however using the word 'face' in such a successful line serves to diminish it when you use it later, ('mangled face') you might look for an alternate word and see how it fits.
Finally - you were reminded wisely, by tectak of the need for effective punctuation and proper spelling.
You have a number of memorable poetic phrases which I like a lot, L1 in particular, however using the word 'face' in such a successful line serves to diminish it when you use it later, ('mangled face') you might look for an alternate word and see how it fits.
Finally - you were reminded wisely, by tectak of the need for effective punctuation and proper spelling.