01-26-2013, 02:33 AM
I got sucked into this poem.
anyhow, two things. Firstly, the opening line is really very good, but the word ‘exfoliated’ just doesn’t seem to fit. I know why it is there… but (for me) it sounds too, dare I say, common (if that makes sense). Of course, it says exactly what it means, paints a picture, as it should; but the word just sounds a bit clunky within the poem. The trouble is the line itself is wonderful, therefore I am probably being overly critical and if it were mine would struggle to change it… then probably wouldn't change it at all
The second thing, ‘the sun’s red eye’. In an otherwise creative piece this sticks out.
anyhow, two things. Firstly, the opening line is really very good, but the word ‘exfoliated’ just doesn’t seem to fit. I know why it is there… but (for me) it sounds too, dare I say, common (if that makes sense). Of course, it says exactly what it means, paints a picture, as it should; but the word just sounds a bit clunky within the poem. The trouble is the line itself is wonderful, therefore I am probably being overly critical and if it were mine would struggle to change it… then probably wouldn't change it at all
The second thing, ‘the sun’s red eye’. In an otherwise creative piece this sticks out.