To Dakhla-Par Avion

[Pete Ak]

First Leg Tunis to Es Senia

As we climbed, the hissing sand exfoliated wings once white;
^To write sentences like this is beyond any talent I may have. You don't want or need a hyphen after 'sand' tho, - do you?
Saharan dust plumed rouge astern and mingled with our oil-smoked wake;
But mixture set, the carb shed ice, and soon we flew in gin-clear light.
Ahead, up loomed the Atlas peaks; below, the fog on Tunis Lake.
^ Do you really need 'up'? - As technically correct as it probably is, it just feels unnecessary.
As warned by Saint-Exupéry, wind buffeted our jaunty kite;
each sensed, as he, the lift from land, warming ‘neath the sun’s red eye.
We yawed left in the on-shore blast, that turned us from our route-planned height,
but came the green of Kasserine, in denser air we shot to sky.
^To me, this verse appears cleverly put together.
A silence fell. No words could tell how glorious the ice-crazed crests;
^Something about the connection between these two lines (^V) keeps me going back to re-read. It must be the words 'or loose' - are they essential to meaning? It's not impossible I'm being blind or dull here.
or loose a sigh of indrawn breath on sight of sparkling azure sea.
What lay beneath us rolled like gold, arcs of gilded dunes; whilst west
dark wadis ran from hasting day, and haboobs sucked the mountain's lee.
^'hasting'?
If I was to write a line like this , somewhere in the poem (usually contiguous) I'd have to discuss what was east as well as west. OCD is perhaps not an asset when constructing poems so I'm offering this gem with the thought that you may consider whether the psychological drive toward 'completeness' (gestalt theory) might encourage 'tidiness' here!
This is the joy the gods would keep, as they look down on precious land;
This is the beauty height bestows upon Saharan barren plains.
This is the wonder and dismay, that blood has spilled to name just sand;
^Struck me as an important line, pity the second phrase confuses me. Is it that N bemoans conflicts that have been fought for the limited and dubious distinction of being able to name a piece of the desert? If so 'was' may work better than "has"
but we who heard the stinging air, we are like gods. We fly again.
^I'd love to write a piece in which I could pull off "we are like Gods"
tectak
2013
A small craft flight ( Cherokee 6) from Tunis to Dakhla. First leg, Es Senia airstrip. 691 miles, 5hrs 12mins, cruising at 5500ft.
1968

Overall, the poem thrilled me despite imperfections, more than that I'm impressed by the craft that I suspect has gone into it. However I did note how much more airborne the piece becomes with internal rhymes - 'green' and 'Kasserine' (which I've still to look up). Would it be worth it to try re-working so that there are more of them perhaps as line 4 in each S?
I dare you...