ecce signum

[Mr. Shankly]

It uses nice devices. Some of the lines don't flow well because you leave an obvious word like 'a' or 'an' or 'the' out.

It doesn't say very much. Or, it says something, but it says something very simple in a very complicated way.

Maybe you could say something about the content compared with the style.

I think you hit the nail on the head with your second comment, something very simple in a complicated way. As for content compared with style, quite honestly, I was tremendously influenced by Theodore Roethke. His poems see to trace the path of the spirits from solitude to self-realization. I wrote the poem during a two-week stay at an orphanage in rural India, many nights spent walking through the desert.

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a lot of useful commentary

I was all nervous posting my poem and therefore overlooked something as simple, yet important, as spelling. As for word choice, I'll fight the idea of incompetence. I chose 'mordant' as it means a sort of "biting humor." I wanted to illustrate that sarcastic becomes a primary means of dealing with the old world as a person ages and become embittered. I can understand your comment about moppet paired with volition. Though, once again, it was intentional. I wanted to illuminate how children are thought of as being void of person-hood, but if one could possess their the freedom of the childhood spirit with the independence of adult volition--well, it would be an enjoyable way to exist. Still, perhaps I these words just don't sound right together.

You liked the second stanza? Hmm, probably my least favorite.

I understand, as well, your comment about 'somnambulant gaiety' seemingly out of place. I wanted to demonstrate how depression/sadness/anger/what-have-you, sometimes mysteriously departs without any conscious effort on the part of the person.

Your comments about punctuation are appreciated. I do not consider it much, my consideration is usually, "I want to leave it open for the reader." But, I do that far too frequently.

As for what the poem is about, I basically wanted to illustrate the difficulties of an aging spirit, nostalgia for the freedom of childhood and how this is at times unconsciously obtained. However, after reading your comments, I believe I've straying to far from these ideas. It becomes confusing when I bring in the pronoun "we" at the end as well.

"ecce signum" means "behold the sign" or "look at the proof."

yee, i look forward to doing some editing!