01-23-2013, 06:54 PM
Well done for creating this piece which I suspect took a lot of time, your commitment to rhyme is impressive. However, a lot of the rhymes appear forced where you invert normal word order to effect them. The narrative, in such a long piece, needs to make its mind up early regarding relevance. There are three separately identifiable threads to the piece, firstly the narrative of the climb, secondly the implied message of risk v comfort zone as 'life options' and thirdly the pastoral thread where you describe the glorious landscapes, (I'm including the zoological 'tour' as part of the pastoral thread but in truth it could represent a fourth.)
As nicely written as the zoological and landscape stanzas are they feel something of an aside and you may find are worth a poem in their own right. If you are attached to their presence in this poem then somehow the threads (at least) should be made relevant to one or other of the other main themes. I hope this impression of your poem passes as a critique and that you find it constructive.
As nicely written as the zoological and landscape stanzas are they feel something of an aside and you may find are worth a poem in their own right. If you are attached to their presence in this poem then somehow the threads (at least) should be made relevant to one or other of the other main themes. I hope this impression of your poem passes as a critique and that you find it constructive.