THE CLIMB

[brandontoh]

I think the main thing here is to introduce punctuation into your poetry. It helps by telling the readers when to pause and makes the poems flow better most of the times. Especially since it's so long.

Secondly, cut the excess. Any unneeded words or redundant lines should be removed so the poem can better immerse readers.

If I should fall
As I ascend this mountain wall
Above a sea of sliding scree
Can it a foothold guarantee?
The proven path a safer route
Trodden by the more astute -- Personally, I'd try to use words that evoke a feeling of fear and uncertainty. The way it's worded currently is quite impersonal and while the imagery works, it's not strong enough. For example:

Don't fall,
Scaling the heavy cliff.
Don't fall,
The scree ocean says.
Don't fall,
Salvation's not guaranteed.
If only mind more discerning
Identified a safer route.
Don't fall!

Right, I used a refrain. The example is bad, since I don't really think it suits the rest of the poem, but I hope you get what I mean.

Look straight ahead and not below -- Simply "Don't look down, don't look down..." works better I believe. Once again, strong imagery and cutting the excess.
Make steady progress sure but slow
Now burning hotter summer's sun
So much of life as yet unrun
If I should fall
As I ascend this granite wall -- Same problem as the previous stanza. I'll avoid rephrasing this one, so I only included my suggestion for the first line. Better word choices and cutting excess will make this more effective.

The sapping heat of Heaven's eye
Now rules the midpoint of the sky -- I like these 2 lines. They work well and provide a nice imagery.
No shade or water near to hand -- Once again, word choices to better illustrate starvation and thirst.
In this dramatic dangerous land
Pray soon the midday hour is past
When longer shadows welcome cast -- These last 3 lines feel a little cliche. Also, they sound kind of redundant. From here on out I see that you're going the rhyming couplets route. However, you seem to be sacrificing too much stuff like good word choices and imageries in an attempt to rhyme.

Reflect and ponder circumstance
Necessity to take this chance
Better then to turn around
Descend towards the lower ground
That option brings a greater fear
The downward drop appears more sheer -- Cut down the excess and this stanza can pretty much be combined with the previous one. Read my comments on the previous stanza, I have the same thing to say about this one.

Long hewn by the wind and rain
To shape this African terrain
A region high and touched by cloud
Where Summer thunder roars out loud
A land where men do seldom stray
And never in the midst of day -- Now you're stretching the metaphor a bit too much. This whole stanza in my opinion is redundant. There are good lines in this stanza, yes, but it doesn't help improve the poem in my opinion.

On either side the mountains tower
And on the slopes the protea flower
Exotic blooms of torches red
A sight but for the few who tread
This strange and hostile place
Where I alone must danger face -- Too much excess once again, and the rhymes sound kind of forced, at least in relation to the rest of the poem. Also, SHOW how the place is strange and hostile, Don't tell the readers. The imagery is not effective in this I believe.

Far below a mountain stream
Fast flowing bright and rushing keen
Through valley, gorge and meadow flees
Its destiny some distant sea
That river's fate so well assured
While mine remains as yet obscured

The flying beetle drones and weaves
Amid amongst Acacia trees
A lizard darts from safe fissure
To regulate his temperature
To rest upon the gnarled granite
Quite still as if inanimate

The Leopard too is known to roam
Amongst these rocks, his mountain home
Sure-footed, lythe and handsome he
Adept at climbing tree or scree
Forbid he senses human scent
And puts an end to my ascent

Whether to attain Life’s dream
One treads unchartered paths unseen
Or takes a slower safer way
More free of risk and jeopardy
In life what is the ruling choice
Which option has the stronger voice? -- The above 3 stanzas feel really redundant, and you're over-stretching the metaphor. Once again, good lines are present, but they don't help further the imagery or immerse the reader. Also, some rhymes sound forced.

Yet those who take Life's gentler climb
Must sacrifice the gift of time
As fewer goals can be achieved
Than Youth's ambition once decreed
Moreover comes there great reward
Surmounting dangers untoward

Assess the risk and then decide
Which route along the mountain side
He who never took a chance
Should not complain of circumstance
And yet... if he should fall
As he ascends Life's granite wall -- So, we finally reached the main message of the whole poem. It's an ending that works, but you took too long to get here. Remember, don't tell the readers what is there or how to feel. Show it, and it'll be more effective.

Overall, I think that rhymes are effective in making poems flow better, but never rhyme for the sake of rhyming. Also, try to cut down on the excess in your poetry, and take care not to over-stretch your metaphors. Of course, they're all my personal opinions. Take what you think are valid points. Hope I'm of help. =)