Disaster on the SS Grandcamp (2nd Revision)

[Todd]

OK, I know we beat this one to death, but I still haven't been able to shake the feeling that it needs an initial stanza to set the where/what/why. The original stanza definitely doesn't make the cut since upon reflection, the info and imagery was impertinent to the story. It takes place on a re-purposed liberty ship. Who cares? The cargo was fertilizer for post-war Europe. Who cares? No compelling reason for the reader to keep reading.

So, the first stanza needs this, but no more than this:

1) Where: a ship in port
2) What: loading dangerous cargo into the hold
3) Why the reader should keep reading: a hint that something really bad or exciting will happen.

So, here's a candidate first stanza:

In port, a freighter’s crewmen lowered down
and piled unstable cargo through a hatch;
then closely packing restless compounds, by
mistake they built a bomb and struck a match.

So, did I crap gold, or gild crap? I've read it too many times now to tell.

Take a week away from it. It's too obvious "piled unstable cargo". It needs to have the hint of danger without it just put out there. If that makes any sense at all. If you want a set up stanza fine. You want calm before the sense of storm. I'd set it down for a week or so to let your mind recharge, but this doesn't do it for me.

Again, just one reader. Maybe others will feel differently.

Best,

Todd