01-23-2013, 07:02 AM
OK, I know we beat this one to death, but I still haven't been able to shake the feeling that it needs an initial stanza to set the where/what/why. The original stanza definitely doesn't make the cut since upon reflection, the info and imagery was impertinent to the story. It takes place on a re-purposed liberty ship. Who cares? The cargo was fertilizer for post-war Europe. Who cares? No compelling reason for the reader to keep reading.
So, the first stanza needs this, but no more than this:
1) Where: a ship in port
2) What: loading dangerous cargo into the hold
3) Why the reader should keep reading: a hint that something really bad or exciting will happen.
So, here's a candidate first stanza:
In port, a freighter’s crewmen lowered down
and piled unstable cargo through a hatch;
then closely packing restless compounds, by
mistake they built a bomb and struck a match.
So, did I crap gold, or gild crap? I've read it too many times now to tell.
So, the first stanza needs this, but no more than this:
1) Where: a ship in port
2) What: loading dangerous cargo into the hold
3) Why the reader should keep reading: a hint that something really bad or exciting will happen.
So, here's a candidate first stanza:
In port, a freighter’s crewmen lowered down
and piled unstable cargo through a hatch;
then closely packing restless compounds, by
mistake they built a bomb and struck a match.
So, did I crap gold, or gild crap? I've read it too many times now to tell.