I've edited it once more, the only thing I don't like in it now is the Dreams fade and drift away line, but I can't think of anything else right now. Thanks for all the constructive criticism, it does make it easier to decide how to make changes. Although I like the beginning as is for now, I think it has a good ring to it.
No man's mind is safe
Nor can women's hearts escape
The sullen silence of a lonely night.
A shrivelled shell of yesteryear
A drunken ghost, an empty beer.
Her haunting face that reappears
Over the brutal violence of a punchless fight.
A lovers choice brought naught but doom,
Your mother’s voice inside the gloom.
My stoned rejoice; the flowers bloom
Like a summer joy that found its tomb
In the sullen silence of a lonely night.
Blood flows after battle cries
Like pain grows after love has died.
I wallow in her smiling eyes
After the brutal violence of a punchless fight.
Dreams fade and drift away,
A brilliant red that slipped to grey.
I’m out of spirit, the bottle’s broken;
Cracked and bloodied, with words unspoken
As I become a sullen silent night.
PS:
Everytime I edit the poem, should I edit it in the Original Post as well?
No man's mind is safe
Nor can women's hearts escape
The sullen silence of a lonely night.
A shrivelled shell of yesteryear
A drunken ghost, an empty beer.
Her haunting face that reappears
Over the brutal violence of a punchless fight.
A lovers choice brought naught but doom,
Your mother’s voice inside the gloom.
My stoned rejoice; the flowers bloom
Like a summer joy that found its tomb
In the sullen silence of a lonely night.
Blood flows after battle cries
Like pain grows after love has died.
I wallow in her smiling eyes
After the brutal violence of a punchless fight.
Dreams fade and drift away,
A brilliant red that slipped to grey.
I’m out of spirit, the bottle’s broken;
Cracked and bloodied, with words unspoken
As I become a sullen silent night.
PS:
Everytime I edit the poem, should I edit it in the Original Post as well?