A Sullen Silent Night

[serge gurkski]

Hi Wjames,
my twopence

No mans mind is safe<<<No man's mind is safe
Nor can women’s hearts escape<<< and no woman's heart escapes
The sullen silence of a lonely night.

A shrivelled shell of yesteryear <<< a shriveled shell of yesteryear
A drunken ghost, an empty beer.
Her haunting face that reappears
After the brutal violence of a punchless fight. <<< sth is wrong here metrically. Maybe: after a punchless fight at night.

Your mothers voice inside a gloom <<< mother's
A lovers choice brought naught but doom. <<< lover's
A stoned rejoice; the flowers bloom <<< sounds kinky, but I like it.
Like a summer joy that found its tomb
In the sullen silence of a lonely night. <<< I don't get this stanza but it sounds cool, so wtf. ,-)

Storm clouds follow sunny skies <<< cliché. Not sexy
Like pain flows after love has died. <<< I dunno.
I wallow in her smiling eyes
After the brutal violence of a punchless fight.

I’m out of spirit, the bottles broken
I’m tired of regret, and words unspoken. <<< broken - unspoken: owed to the rhyme.
Dreams fade and drift away <<< catchy but bordering cliché.
A brilliant red that slipped to grey
As I became a sullen silent night. <<< like those last 2 lines.

1st edit; Thanks for the feedback. I'm only 18 and just started intermittently writing poetry two months ago so I don't expect to be brilliant; nothings really set in stone. I've made some changes here, I don't know if the brutal violence of a punchless fight thing works, but whatever:

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original

A Sullen Silent Night

No man's mind is safe
Nor can women’s hearts escape
The sullen silence of a lonely night

Storm clouds follow sunny skies
Like blood flows after battle cries
But true pain grows from love that’s died
Through the sullen silence of a lonely night

A mother's voice inside a gloom
A lover's choice brought naught but doom
A stoned rejoice; the flowers bloom
Like a summer joy that found its tomb
In the sullen silence of a lonely night

A shrivelled shell of yesteryear
A drunken ghost, an empty beer
Her haunting face that reappears
Over the sullen silence of a lonely night

Dreams fade and drift away
A brilliant red that slipped to grey
As I became a sullen silent night

Let me add, that I concur with tectak and Billy.
I like this poem , btw. ,-)