Valentine

[billy]

hi pigler, some of the word choices don't seem quite right in the end rhymes. i've pointed some out. in general you need to follow some better logic and tie it all together, it's obviously a valentines poem. the 1st verse fees almost indecipherable. though it can be read. the 2nd verse is much more readable, and would probably make the better opener.
the poem more or less feels to wander in a jarring fashion.

good effort though

Hey guys. I'm not posting this in serious critique because I think it's an amazing poem but because I really need serious critique and any potential improvement. You'll see in the last stanza why.


Valentine

A drop in its delicate descend descent
towards the rigid ground
a mountain top, which never bends
thick and rarely downed

A rose, so grand and pliant
deflective in the wind
yet the roots defiant
the flower's core rescind rescinds, though i;m not sure its the proper word for what you want

Prowess to speak, declare
around her breaks and cracks
set ablaze, a potent flare
daring, by much lacks

Knees shake and shoulders shiver
all thoughts depart
like a leaf into a river
by the fast-paced beat of my heart

In her presence, a mind obtuse
and courage chooses to abscond
reason proclaims that it's no use
but heart, near stars and far beyond

Sentiment I now assert
with line and word
as my mouth may distort
but my writing remains unblurred

A question, now, about to follow
for a girl divine
your hand, may I borrow
on this year's Valentine?