hi wj
i came late to the party so i'll just reply to the edit if that's okay
) i like the two refrains but think you can replace some of the wordier lines with something more substantial.
i came late to the party so i'll just reply to the edit if that's okay
(01-21-2013, 01:10 PM)Wjames Wrote: No mans mind is safe man'sa decent edit (and only the chosen are brilliant
Nor can women’s hearts escape a suggestion; No women’s heart escapes
The sullen silence of a lonely night. i like the assonance
A shrivelled shell of yesteryear
A drunken ghost, an empty beer.
Her haunting face that reappears
After the brutal violence of a punchless fight.
Your mothers voice inside a gloom the gloom
A lovers choice brought naught but doom.
A stoned rejoice; the flowers bloom this line don't hold a lot for me. on reading i have to stop to try and work it out
Like a summer joy that found its tomb
In the sullen silence of a lonely night.
Storm clouds follow sunny skies
Like pain flows after love has died.
I wallow in her smiling eyes
After the brutal violence of a punchless fight.
I’m out of spirit, the bottles broken bottle's] i like this line, i see depth in it.
I’m tired of regret, and words unspoken.
Dreams fade and drift away feels weak
A brilliant red that slipped to grey
As I became a sullen silent night.
1st edit; Thanks for the feedback. I'm only 18 and just started intermittently writing poetry two months ago so I don't expect to be brilliant; nothings really set in stone. I've made some changes here, I don't know if the brutal violence of a punchless fight thing works, but whatever:
) i like the two refrains but think you can replace some of the wordier lines with something more substantial. Quote:original
A Sullen Silent Night
Quote:No man's mind is safe
Nor can women’s hearts escape
The sullen silence of a lonely night
Storm clouds follow sunny skies
Like blood flows after battle cries
But true pain grows from love that’s died
Through the sullen silence of a lonely night
A mother's voice inside a gloom
A lover's choice brought naught but doom
A stoned rejoice; the flowers bloom
Like a summer joy that found its tomb
In the sullen silence of a lonely night
A shrivelled shell of yesteryear
A drunken ghost, an empty beer
Her haunting face that reappears
Over the sullen silence of a lonely night
Dreams fade and drift away
A brilliant red that slipped to grey
As I became a sullen silent night