01-22-2013, 06:25 AM
Hello Wjames, welcome to the site.
No man's mind is safe I like this opening stanza but would use suggestions made by tectak
Nor can women’s hearts escape
The sullen silence of a lonely night
Storm clouds follow sunny skies I'm ok with this, but not blowen away
Like blood flows after battle cries
But true pain grows from love that’s died This is nice, I like how it rolls into the next line
Through the sullen silence of a lonely night
A mother's voice inside a gloom I'm not sure this line is needed as it trows out the line count and for me adds noting to the piece.
A lover's choice brought naught but doom
A stoned rejoice; the flowers bloom
Like a summer joy that found its tomb
In the sullen silence of a lonely night
A shrivelled shell of yesteryear change to younger years
A drunken ghost, an empty beer I really like the switch here
Her haunting face that reappears
Over the sullen silence of a lonely night
Dreams fade and drift away
A brilliant red that slipped to grey
As I became a sullen silent night
[/quote]
I love the title and the poem has lots going for it, but it needs work. Good job but. Sorry this is not more indepth will try and leave more later.
No man's mind is safe I like this opening stanza but would use suggestions made by tectak
Nor can women’s hearts escape
The sullen silence of a lonely night
Storm clouds follow sunny skies I'm ok with this, but not blowen away
Like blood flows after battle cries
But true pain grows from love that’s died This is nice, I like how it rolls into the next line
Through the sullen silence of a lonely night
A mother's voice inside a gloom I'm not sure this line is needed as it trows out the line count and for me adds noting to the piece.
A lover's choice brought naught but doom
A stoned rejoice; the flowers bloom
Like a summer joy that found its tomb
In the sullen silence of a lonely night
A shrivelled shell of yesteryear change to younger years
A drunken ghost, an empty beer I really like the switch here
Her haunting face that reappears
Over the sullen silence of a lonely night
Dreams fade and drift away
A brilliant red that slipped to grey
As I became a sullen silent night
[/quote]
I love the title and the poem has lots going for it, but it needs work. Good job but. Sorry this is not more indepth will try and leave more later.