Individual Breakdown

[tectak]

I can't breathe.

Dwelling inside my broken mind.
Hold the pills in my hand.

I want to numb my thoughts.
See the world through a blank stare.

Leave the introspection
that has butchered me.

Drift in synthetic parallels
of interpersonal security.


theres an edit. thanks guys. I have never taken pills, but i often try to imagine. i like cigs. smoking makes my mind feel like one, and its things like smoking than can help me imagine what some pharmitueicals are like.

Im trying to add more but can't get the quality im looking for. i dont what anything particular critiqued, just tell me what you think

I come late to this and have seen the workshopping suggestions. I am puzzled by your reply following you first edit. You do not want a critique of your piece but you want me to tell you what I think. Well, I have quite strong views on the Palestinian situation and I think I could make some real improvements to the traffic lights in Leeds city centre......oh yes, I think we are being ripped off in the tinned sardine price.....jesus....69p in Tescos.
Come on.....what do you want, eulogies?
This is a piece which is well worn but the critics thus far have pointed out the glaring errors in spelling and grammar. That was kind and restrained and probably all you could ask for. Spelling in serious crit should never be an issue and though I note in your reply that you have a problem with pharmaticuiculies you could have checked the spelling just to show willing.
Anyway, without particularly criticising, this is what I think. All is opinion, so take what you want and ignore the rest.
L2 and L3 are not sentences, particularly.
L4 is, L5 isn't , particularly.
So to get the "quality" you crave, start there.

You need to put more imagery into this, if only because it has been done to death. Try to avoid blatant statements. Get some emotion into it.
You may feel that the sparcity and terseness of your words is indicating the diminished though processes of the character.....and I could believe that until the last four lines when suddenly the whole timbre changes. The character has gone from numb, blank and broken, unable to think clearly, to a pseudo-pedantic wordsmith.
Introspection, synthetic parallels and interpersonal seem like there has been a brain transplant when I wasn't looking. The texture of the piece is inconsistent and THAT may be why you cannot get that illusive ( and possibly illusory) ingredient, quality, in to it.
There is nothing wrong with what you are trying to do; the fact that it has been done before should be a spur in the flank of novelty. Just do it a new way.
By the way, I think you nearly did it.
If you begin:
I can't breathe.

I suffocate inside a broken mind.
The pills are there, cupped in my hand;
my hand?

I want to


numb my thoughts
until I see the world through a blank stare:

leave the introspection
that has butchered me:

drift in synthetic parallels
of interpersonal security.

Your poem. Just a suggestion. Take it or leave it. It is not crit, particularly
Best,
tectak