01-21-2013, 03:23 PM
Hi grippster.
after a couple of reads it seems okay, but it's a short poem and okay often mean it's weak. you're opening line is part of too many clichés that it's hard to shore up what comes after it. i think you could flesh it out using each couplet as a starting point for a 4 or 6 line stanza. (always best to put any edits in the post you did the original poem in, so they can be compared
) the title more or less works as a guide to the emotional state of the poem, on the whole it is pretty good but it could be a hell of a lot better 
thanks for the read.
after a couple of reads it seems okay, but it's a short poem and okay often mean it's weak. you're opening line is part of too many clichés that it's hard to shore up what comes after it. i think you could flesh it out using each couplet as a starting point for a 4 or 6 line stanza. (always best to put any edits in the post you did the original poem in, so they can be compared
) the title more or less works as a guide to the emotional state of the poem, on the whole it is pretty good but it could be a hell of a lot better thanks for the read.
(01-21-2013, 12:17 PM)grippster Wrote: I can't breath
I dwell in side my broken mind.
I hold the pills in my hand. i'd suggest having just the 1 I and reworking the other two, a suggestion would be; The pills are in my hand
I want to numb my thoughts.
See the world through a blank stare.
Leave the introspection
that has butchered me.
Drift in synthetic parallels
of interpersonal security. i like the closing. it reminds me of being on acid