Loving Apart edit 2 shem

[svanhoeven]

Minor grammar and punctuation suggestions:

Look to the moon, for there my eyes alight where ever your eyes rest.
Hmm... "where ever" or "wherever"? Let me try it. "Where ever did you get that blue dress?" or "Wherever you are, I will find you." In my opinion, yours is the latter usage, thus "wherever".
Though we are held apart by distance longer than our arms can reach,
we still can meet there in the night-time, secret lay-lines side by side.
You and I will touch the dust that none who love have touched before;
yet leave no trace, no stain of presence, no hanging heartbeats in the air.

Look to the sun, but shade your eyes, for there I shall be looking, too.
Take off your clothes; and naked recall how the dried-out ash logs glowed;
I think the first semi-colon should be a comma, since it's followed by a conjunction. They both serve kind of the same purpose, so you should pick one or the other.
and how we spent a crystal winter, wrapped in furs and warmth of skin.
We ride the seven rays of heaven; the day-star shines on you and I.
"On you and I" is a prepositional phrase and should therefore use objective pronouns, i.e. "On you and me".
In syncopated sight, together, we are as one in space and time.

Look to the stars, for there I'll find you; seek out the brightest in the void
and I will look to that same glimmer, we will share its nuclear flame.
I think the comma after "glimmer" should be a semi-colon since it's followed by an independent clause. Maybe the above two lines should read, "Look to the stars, for there I'll find you. Seek out the brightest in the void and I will look to that same glimmer; we will share its nuclear flame."

Though all the firmament is burning yet we will still one beacon see.
A thousand light-years separate us, but for this second we are joined,
and wrapped in lover's grand illusion we vanish in the cloak of time.

tectak
Jan 2010