There is no bright light to travel toward (revision)

[billy]

hi todd, sorry for getting to this so late in the game. i see some like the enjambment of the 2nd couplet. some don't, all i can say is; i have yet to start a sentence with ing, i've always been told by every one to read it out loud, i id and sorry but it doesn't work in any of the ways i tired it out, i'm always left saying "to golden streets. There is no comfort- [ind] [ind] [ind][ind] ing metaphor for this state. for me it's the only serious thing i see wrong. of course you may know something i don't which is very likely

The stories you’ve been told are wrong;
this is no mild passage i like the opening which dismisses the idea that death is easy, and takes us straight into the poem.

to golden streets. There is no comfort- the enjambment doesn't work for me here

ing metaphor for this state.

The breath escapes, is 'the' needed?
the body shudders, exhales.

Life unzips like an old coat, the simile feels a bit awkard,
discarded. does old discarded coat read better?

Memories drown in the river
facts alone remain, well-worn stones love this line, the metaphor works well

without significance. This is lost to us,
a Lethean draught, irremediable


concealing loves, cares that bind, tying is ', tying' needed?
us to this world, that we may not leave


this woman at my bedside, my wife,
presses a damp cloth to my face.

She has become
an actress in an old movie
 a really solid line

that I might have watched once.

These recollections form an endless list

of mocking credits rolling
NamesUponNamesUponNames
 good image

in this oppressive quiet
ForeverForeverForever.