Currently untitled (First poem)

[Jagger Cyde]

Hi Jagger Cyde, welcome to the site! Here are some comments for you:

Go through your poem ask yourself what is filler and stick with the interesting parts. I'll show you what I mean. When I read this poem this is how I could see it arranged.

Title: To Get to This Place

You must travel a shaky bridge
Across a river of screaming voices--these first two lines are great. Good imagery.
Preaching ways of lust, greed
And the lose of morals--these next two lines you tell us some things but don't show us with imagery. Can you say these lines with images?

Work on saying things visually. Also your ending needs to be more interesting. Don't take the easy road with the ending. Keep at it until it pops out.

That's all I've got. It's an interesting start with those two lines. You absolutely can build on it. You should.

I hope that was helpful in some way. Oh hey, I know you said you were starting out, but remember to give others feedback. What did you like? What didn't you like? And most importantly why?

Best,

Todd

Thanks for the comments. I know what you mean about the imagery, however the lines that you said needed imagery aren't describing things that you can see or hear. There would be no way for to create an image for lust, greed, and losing morals. I do understand what you are saying though. And yeah, I did get a bit lazy with my ending there. Endings have always been difficult for me and I need to make sure to work on it.

Did you mean the loose or loosening of morals

or loss of morals?

I meant loss. Thanks for the catch.