01-21-2013, 05:24 AM
Like a drop in its delicate descent
towards the rigid ground;
yet like a mountain top which never bends,
thick and rarely downed
If you used semicolons to jump from description to description, that might work. And that way you wouldn't have to use the "yet like".
It's funny that it seems you're talking about yourself the whole time. That's not bad though. Comparing yourself to the rose, and not her. So it's not in danger of being called cliche.
Prowess to speak, declare
around her breaks and cracks;
set ablaze, a potent flare;
daring, by much, lacks;
It's still kind of awkward. But the content is describing that awkward problem itself. So you just have to fiddle around, and see if it starts to work.
towards the rigid ground;
yet like a mountain top which never bends,
thick and rarely downed
If you used semicolons to jump from description to description, that might work. And that way you wouldn't have to use the "yet like".
It's funny that it seems you're talking about yourself the whole time. That's not bad though. Comparing yourself to the rose, and not her. So it's not in danger of being called cliche.
Prowess to speak, declare
around her breaks and cracks;
set ablaze, a potent flare;
daring, by much, lacks;
It's still kind of awkward. But the content is describing that awkward problem itself. So you just have to fiddle around, and see if it starts to work.