01-21-2013, 01:51 AM
Okay, so far, these are the changes I've made, tell me if it seems better (first and third stanza changed so far):
Like a drop in its delicate descent
towards the rigid ground
yet like a mountain top, which never bends
thick and rarely downed
A rose, so grand and pliant
deflective in the wind
yet the roots defiant
the flower's core rescind
Prowess to speak, declare
around her breaks and cracks
set ablaze, a potent flare
daring, in a lack/by much lacks
Knees shake and shoulders shiver
all thoughts depart
like a leaf into a river
by the fast-paced beat of my heart
In her presence, a mind obtuse
and courage chooses to abscond
reason proclaims that it's no use
but heart, near stars and far beyond
Sentiment I now assert
with line and word
as my mouth may distort
but my writing remains unblurred
A question, now, about to follow
for a girl divine
your hand, may I borrow
on this year's Valentine?
P.S.: I've noticed, rowens, you first described my mind then yours as obtuse... The first I'd find normal but the second use of it dazzles me, so, just to be clear... http://www.thefreedictionary.com/obtuse We're using it in the same context, right?
Like a drop in its delicate descent
towards the rigid ground
yet like a mountain top, which never bends
thick and rarely downed
A rose, so grand and pliant
deflective in the wind
yet the roots defiant
the flower's core rescind
Prowess to speak, declare
around her breaks and cracks
set ablaze, a potent flare
daring, in a lack/by much lacks
Knees shake and shoulders shiver
all thoughts depart
like a leaf into a river
by the fast-paced beat of my heart
In her presence, a mind obtuse
and courage chooses to abscond
reason proclaims that it's no use
but heart, near stars and far beyond
Sentiment I now assert
with line and word
as my mouth may distort
but my writing remains unblurred
A question, now, about to follow
for a girl divine
your hand, may I borrow
on this year's Valentine?
P.S.: I've noticed, rowens, you first described my mind then yours as obtuse... The first I'd find normal but the second use of it dazzles me, so, just to be clear... http://www.thefreedictionary.com/obtuse We're using it in the same context, right?