Dependence

[tectak]

You could keep the image of the dead unborn child in L1 if you made it clearer you were imagining her future, rather than describing the present. Considering how gruesome the abortion process is, right or wrong, there's lots of potential imagery there. You may want to save that "bang" for the end, though.

On L2, you refer to the fetus as "it", but the rest of the poem you use "she" or "her". You could make this consistent by removing the "it", or maybe you could use that inconsistency as a tool in other parts of the poem. In the parts that call for aborting the fetus, you could use "it", then in the parts that call for saving the child, you could use "she" and "her". That would show the back and forth of de-personalization/humanization inherent in this kind of decision.

The other thing you may want to consider exploring is that sometimes the abortion happens in spite of the mother's desire to keep it. The father may be absent, unsupportive, abusive, etc. That would add more layers of complexity to the decision. However, if you're trying to highlight the mother's complete control of the situation, then maybe you could add something about another party's wishes, which I assume are being ignored or shown a lack of respect.

Definitely a lot of potential here.

Thanks for your advice...Here is a revised version of it...If you don't mind, can you tell me if you think this is improvement or if I changed it too much? ..Thanks

There she is:
Lifeless in a pool of blood.

Oh, how my heart attacks,
banging my chest to get out
and be with her.

Air suffocates my lungs.
Internally drowning in eternal emptiness.

Love hates my heart.
My heart to sacrifice my only begotten child-
for my own stability.

So, I'm nothing God-like.

He entrusted me with her.
Only I could've saved her.
Only I could've graved her.
But in my arms, would she be any safer?

I couldn't help it.

It would've taken my all.
It would've needed me.
But, even I couldn't have self-dependency.

No peace.
No daddy.
No home.

We were both alone.

Hi,
I have come late to this and that is good. You have had much to absorb and act upon from some very good crit....sent and received.
I cannot say that I can add much to the advice you have aready had and so I will look on the revised version as if it was new-born.
Just to get a few chestnuts out of the way first. In terms of over-emotive subjects abortion comes somewhere in the rankings between rape and murder.....there are peripheral subjects constantly in orbit but if you begin with lost love as a base-line and end up with child abuse you will pretty well cover all bases. So, where does that bit of opinionated dogma take us? Well, I guess you need to "find an angle" for the piece, which has not been found before. It is difficult. To write this as though you were feeling what the mother feels is made more difficult because you are speaking in the moment....but you have chickened out. The only line which significantly puts you in to the character is " My heart to sacrifice my only begotten child-
for my own stability."....and poetically that is not a sentence, a statement or even an aside. Though you are aiming for excruciating clarity you let the demons of distraction get in to your thinking. What are you trying to say at this crucial junction?
Maybe." My heart is not mine, I give it to this child as a sacrifice;
that is all I can do to save my sanity. "
This may not be what you meant but it is clear. What you have written is not clear. Whilst on this track, I am not sure that it is a good idea to introduce semantic peculiarities. Sometimes poetry should strive for veracity rather than show that the writer is present in the piece. It may help the poetry to "grave" someone but who uses that expression? The answer is no one. It is not even clever. I cannot find the verb "to grave" anywhere. Some may say you used it on purpose. That may be true, but you knew it was not an acceptable use of language and you were surprised to get away with it Not a good line.
And "oh how my heart attacks" is another line which is just not worthy. Yes, yes, heart attack, yes, I know.....but it is gratuitously misplaced. Just because two words commonly are linked does not mean that the paring is ubiquitous. Heart attack, heart ache, heart fallen, heart beat, heart stopping etc all have their uses because the pairing describes a known condition. The condition you hoped to describe is not a myocardial infarct. If this is a cliche it is masquerading as a metaphor. The "Oh how..." is a little over dramatic in a contrived way. What is wrong with " My heart struggles to escape.
Banging my chest...."
No more. It is your poem. Yes. I really think it is much improved by the pairing down. All is opinion. You have chosen a tough subject but worse for you, it is written in real time. I congratulate you on some of the insights towards the end. I think you should have another go at this one after a suitable gestation (ooops) period.
Closing, this is one of the very few pieces I have read which can get away with "bitty-ness". I did not get the mental (and possibly physical) distress of this cerebral almost-mother, but the disorganised thoughts are, I imagine, a close approach to the reality of the scenario. I hope that was your intention
Best,
tectak