01-20-2013, 10:33 PM
Hello,
well a lot has already been said, so this will be brief (and subjective, so feel free to ignore it completely). Basically just some word choices, i think.
firstly, ‘massive’, an awful word. However, as it is the kind of word a child (or possibly, chicken) would use to describe something then it would seem (grudgingly) okish. The only problem with this (with writing in a child’s voice or childish voice) is that one must maintain it… ‘wriggling’ and ‘massive’ don’t seem to sit well with ‘faeces’ [sorry, I’m english] and ‘aimless rage’ etc. Although, I suspect you were going for innocence and not childishness… so glean from this what you will.
‘…the consumer has a voice’, sorry but this line made me laugh (and tectak’s comments made me laugh out loud, “Fuck me! Is that what this is all about? Shopping!!!!!!!” The problem is that he is right… or at least, the last line suggests this. We are taken through this horrific tale only to be told, ‘buy free range’ [it reminds me of reading Berkeley; one reads all this strange metaphysics about matter not existing only to be told at the end, ‘oh yeah, and read your bible’ as he skips off into the sunset
])
I like the line, ‘eating away at my flesh, as this cage eats my soul’ for some reason that I can’t quite put my finger on. I would however [if it were me – not necessarily a good thing] make it something like, ‘eating away at my flesh and this cage it eats my soul’ or something like that (not specifically that arrangement). but I think an ‘and’ is better than an ‘as’ here; just from a logical point of view, these two things are probably not happening at the same time, and the 'as' doesn't sound like a comparison at all [to me]. The ‘and’ would better indicate time: you eat my body after this cage has eaten my soul (woe is me, sort of thing).
Also, from a personal point of view, it raises the old Cartesian question about ‘do animals have souls’, which is nice.
oh dear, that wasn’t that brief. I am reading tristram shandy at the moment, so may have adopted some of his habit for digression.
well a lot has already been said, so this will be brief (and subjective, so feel free to ignore it completely). Basically just some word choices, i think.
firstly, ‘massive’, an awful word. However, as it is the kind of word a child (or possibly, chicken) would use to describe something then it would seem (grudgingly) okish. The only problem with this (with writing in a child’s voice or childish voice) is that one must maintain it… ‘wriggling’ and ‘massive’ don’t seem to sit well with ‘faeces’ [sorry, I’m english] and ‘aimless rage’ etc. Although, I suspect you were going for innocence and not childishness… so glean from this what you will.
‘…the consumer has a voice’, sorry but this line made me laugh (and tectak’s comments made me laugh out loud, “Fuck me! Is that what this is all about? Shopping!!!!!!!” The problem is that he is right… or at least, the last line suggests this. We are taken through this horrific tale only to be told, ‘buy free range’ [it reminds me of reading Berkeley; one reads all this strange metaphysics about matter not existing only to be told at the end, ‘oh yeah, and read your bible’ as he skips off into the sunset
])I like the line, ‘eating away at my flesh, as this cage eats my soul’ for some reason that I can’t quite put my finger on. I would however [if it were me – not necessarily a good thing] make it something like, ‘eating away at my flesh and this cage it eats my soul’ or something like that (not specifically that arrangement). but I think an ‘and’ is better than an ‘as’ here; just from a logical point of view, these two things are probably not happening at the same time, and the 'as' doesn't sound like a comparison at all [to me]. The ‘and’ would better indicate time: you eat my body after this cage has eaten my soul (woe is me, sort of thing).
Also, from a personal point of view, it raises the old Cartesian question about ‘do animals have souls’, which is nice.
oh dear, that wasn’t that brief. I am reading tristram shandy at the moment, so may have adopted some of his habit for digression.