Disaster on the SS Grandcamp (2nd Revision)

[svanhoeven]

Leanne, more excellent suggestions. Comments below.

In S7 L1, you might consider "peering from" rather than "peering out" -- it's just less staccato.

I think this is a dialect thing- I grew up about 30 miles from Texas City, and nobody says, "She was looking from her house" if the looking is done from the inside. "She was looking out her house" sounds right to me.

In S8, you use "turns" twice and I'd like to see one of them replaced -- perhaps the first could be "shies"?

Dang, I didn't notice the two "turns". For quickly turning away from searing heat, I think "shies" sounds a little slow and passive to me. I'll replace it with "twists", which makes me imagine the guy quickly turning his torso away at the waist. What do you think about that?

In L4 of that stanza, "drunkenly" is ever so slightly off-meter -- perhaps you could try "to shake his drunken finger at the street" or something. Alternatively, you could remove "round" from the start of that line and let it begin with "to drunkenly" daDUM daDUM daSTREET (you get the idea!)

aROUND to DRUNKenLY aCCUSE the STREET.
daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM.

Looks right to me. Can you show me how you're reading it? if DRUNKenLY is the problem, then moving it won't help.

I know it's a conclusion but changing tense in the last stanza isn't really necessary. You could have that in present tense also, for the sake of continuity.

I'll sleep on that one.