01-20-2013, 02:05 PM
A couple of spots that slowed me down and made me think while reading it:
(01-20-2013, 01:18 AM)tectak Wrote: edit 1. rowens
If there are a thousand ways to say what I must say,
I had to re-read this line several times to get the meter. After I realized it lacked a non-stressed first syllable, then I could read it consistently with the following lines.
why should I choose just one?
The following is just an observation not criticism. After reading two lines, I'm wondering (out of ignorance): is this alternating iambic heptameter and trimeter, or iambic decimeter broken over two lines? Is that impossible by definition? Is there a difference? Anyway, it just gave the lines an extra pause which threw me off a bit.
And if there are ten trillion stars that light the Milky Way,
what need is there for sun?
A million pebbles lie upon the shifting tide-swept beach;
why do I have no choice?
And if I cry a billion tears, though you are out of reach,
why can’t you hear my voice?
Damn you, you whore, you lying bitch.
( I hope that this is clear)
OK, it seems you're using the parentheses to signify an internal aside.
I hope your sun and stars go out.
( then maybe you will see)
Not sure you should use the parentheses here, since you're directly addressing the bitch ("you will see").
You can be replaced, you witch;
(..that was my greatest fear.)
OK, you don't want to tell the bitch you were afraid, keep the parentheses.
I won’t be calling, live in doubt.
( Now hear this…I am free)
This is an imperative ("Now hear this"). Don't keep it to yourself, tell that bitch off! (Drop the parentheses)
Tectak
2013