Disaster on the SS Grandcamp (2nd Revision)

[svanhoeven]

Thanks for the suggestions, which I address below.

got here pretty late. i'll just comment on this edit, (great to see poets edit their work )

2nd revision: (Originally titled "Texas City Disaster")

First symptoms were a fever underfoot, solid opening
a glowing abscess weeping smoke, and steam
erupting from a broiling hull. Men bathed i like the enjambment here, it sort of brings down the tension before heightening it again with the next line.
the orange embers with a meager stream, is 'the' needed?
"The" is grammatically correct here, or maybe it's better to say it's not incorrect, and the unstressed syllable is needed for the iambic pentameter. If I wrote the sentence as prose, I'd still include "the" there, so I don't think it's superfluous.

But negligence had spawned a horrid loop- is 'but' needed?
a high school chemistry mistake writ large,
as heat begetting heat begetting heat
makes sparkling fuses shrink towards their charge. great image
Same thing with "but" as "the" above, it's not incorrect or superfluous. It's needed to explain the futility of fighting the fire, and the inevitable blast. Speaking flatly, "They fought the fire, BUT an inevitable chemical reaction was leading to an explosion." The fuse was shrinking.

A warping frame and failing mounts inside
the weakened shell caused decks to bulge, then rip.
Once metal ribs were cracked and splintering, not sure splintering works well for steel. a suggestion would be stressed and fracturing
I have to admit that "splintering" works better for wood than for steel. "Fracturing" is a little too obvious for ribs. I like "stressed", but I think there's a more dramatic choice. I'll change the phrase to "strained and rupturing".
the captain screamed, “All hands abandon-- rhyme?
I wanted the captain to be interrupted by the explosion, so I didn't finish the phrase. However, I figured 99% of readers know how that phrase ends, so I made an "implied" rhyme with "rip". I wasn't sure if that would work for everyone.

Close by, longshoremen dazzled by the flash
and sudden thunder leap behind their freight comma after leap
I'm confused about this suggestion. "longshoremen...leap, behind their freight..." Why would there be a comma if they "leap behind" something?
to flee the soaring cloud and fiery hail
of twisted chunks of hull and iron plate.

the meter feels good, the rhyme scheme also though i think there is one slip. some great image rich lines that capture as well as it can be, the fearsome episode. which i could have been more constructive but in truth there's little that needs working on.

thanks for the read.