Disaster on the SS Grandcamp (2nd Revision)

[billy]

got here pretty late. i'll just comment on this edit, (great to see poets edit their work )

2nd revision: (Originally titled "Texas City Disaster")

First symptoms were a fever underfoot, solid opening
a glowing abscess weeping smoke, and steam
erupting from a broiling hull. Men bathed i like the enjambment here, it sort of brings down the tension before heightening it again with the next line.
the orange embers with a meager stream, is 'the' needed?

But negligence had spawned a horrid loop- is 'but' needed?
a high school chemistry mistake writ large,
as heat begetting heat begetting heat
makes sparkling fuses shrink towards their charge. great image

A warping frame and failing mounts inside
the weakened shell caused decks to bulge, then rip.
Once metal ribs were cracked and splintering, not sure splintering works well for steel. a suggestion would be stressed and fracturing
the captain screamed, “All hands abandon-- rhyme?

Then null. Inside the crushing, tearing core,
the blast is noiseless, lightless, sterile, numb; excellent sense of an instant
for all on board that mark the piercing burst
are shattered; rendered earless, eyeless, dumb. marries too the 2nd line perfectly

Close by, longshoremen dazzled by the flash
and sudden thunder leap behind their freight comma after leap
to flee the soaring cloud and fiery hail
of twisted chunks of hull and iron plate.

Above, two circling aircraft’s wings are shorn.
Below, a wall of brine floods church and store.
The anchor, falling many miles away,
plunged into prairie grass, not ocean floor.

A nosy school girl peering out her house
is shotgunned by some unsuspecting panes.
She cringes, shaded by her hands, both cheeks
made bloody brooklets over jagged grains.

Drawn by the roar, a bar-room gawker turns
away from searing heat. Thrown off his feet,
the man is struck behind his head, then turns
around to drunkenly accuse the street.

In time, the fires were doused, and corpses clothed
in oil and silt were piled and tagged. Burnt bits
of flesh and disembodied limbs were blessed,
then placed in caskets dropped in earthen pits.

the meter feels good, the rhyme scheme also though i think there is one slip. some great image rich lines that capture as well as it can be, the fearsome episode. which i could have been more constructive but in truth there's little that needs working on.

thanks for the read.