There is no bright light to travel toward (revision)

[tectak]

Hi Tectak,

I always enjoy your critiques whether they're for my stuff or not. You engage. You make me laugh. You put a lot into them. I appreciate all of that. Oh, and you're right we may not always agree, but that's fine. Some of my revisions take years to finally finish. I may end up agreeing with you in year three. Though there's always the chance that you've changed by then. To your comments below

The stories you’ve been told are wrong;
this is no mild passage

to golden streets. There is no comfort-

ing metaphor for this state.I just cannot help myself, but nor can you, todd. What IS the point of these peculiar and pointless line breaks? I reads as if you keep having mini-strokes Did you look for a word to avoid the "easy passage" cliche. Sometimes the avoidance highlights the cliche. I keep hearing my muse scream "easy". On a more kindly note, I just don't think that "mild" is the right word. Ask this question. "Welcome Mr. Leif Ericson, how was your passage across the Atlantic Ocean?" . "It was not mild". Hmmmm.

I know that break could be too gimmicky, and mild wont survive there long. I like your stroke line. I tend to disagree with it, but everything is on the table for revision. Mild: point taken.

The breath escapes,
the body shudders, exhales.

Life unzips like an old coat,
discarded.As a metaphor this works but the devil lies in the detail. Unbuttons, maybe? Trouble is the metaphor does not withstand logical reasoning. Is the "unzipping" operative? Should you say, "Life unbuttons from an old coat, soon discarded" ? Just me.

I'm not sure why unbuttoning would be better. What do you think this adds that unzipped doesn't give you. Is it because older style coats tended to have buttons and zippers feel too modern or something else? Operative...hmmm maybe life is unzipped. Discarded needs a little work soon is a possible consideration.


Memories drown in the river
facts alone remain, well-worn stones

without significance. This is lost to usWhat is lost to us? You do not say or even imply. If I stretch myself I could guess but the Lethean draught (more commonly draft) seems not to affect the remaining facts
a Lethean draught, irremediable
Gasping for syntax....needs punctuation. Why the line bre.....oh, the hell with it!

I'll see what I can do here.

concealing loves, cares that bind, tying
us to this world, that we may not leave I was not happy with the amnesia-inducing properties of the Lethean Draft, make mine a pint, only "concealing" thoughts but after a ponder and a large Bells I cannot see a more meaningful alternative. This confession should not encourage you!

this woman at my bedside, my wife,Surely this woman deserves, at the very least, a capital letter at the start of her sentence?
presses a damp cloth to my face.

I'll do some changes. Nice catch.

She has become
an actress in an old movie


that I might have watched once.

These recollections form an endless list

of mocking credits rolling
NamesUponNamesUponNames


in this oppressive quiet
ForeverForeverForever. Consistently quirky end-lines but oh how they distract from the beautifully expressed and well understood sentiments. Grammar NEVER makes things worse. Only bad grammar does that. If you are gasping your last then OK to the breathless

pauses which you have insisted
upon. Throughout this poem

sadly, I feel robbing the piece of some of
it's worth more than this

I cannot say.

I'll consider these comments.

We may never agree on everything ,todd, but I like what you come up with almost every time. I am at a complete loss as to why you, and others, see fit to break up often wonderful prose in such a strangely functionless way. I have never had a sensible answer to this question.

--Is it that outside of form you don't really consider free verse poetry? You may not be wired to get it? The line breaks may be awful...this isn't a defense of them. Maybe I'm misreading you but is it that you like tight minimal terse free verse and form. These longer free verse efforts by anyone read as prose to you. It doesn't minimize your comments or their helpfulness, but is that the disconnect?

A private re-write, with due sensitivity to the soliloquy which you have written, may never grace these boards. If you feel strongly about your "form" then I can understand WHY you would hold on to it.....but for workshopping of a piece it is problematical, overriding many of the virtues with which your work is imbued.

Appreciate what you're saying. All I can say is that I might chose to toss nearly anything despite my biases.

Best,
tectak

Thanks again Tec. I hope none of this came across poorly. I appreciate the feedback. I really do.

Best,

Todd

All fine , here todd. Workshopping. First, consider this:
LIFE UNZIPS...........LIKE AN OLD COAT, DISCARDED. OK. What is wrong?
What you are saying metaphorically is LIFE UNZIPS.....like ( ie similar to)...an old coat, discarded. You are linking a VERB, unzipping, to a NOUN...the old coat. It is thus-wise " Flying is like pig" or " Eating is like bread". The metaphorical similarities must match. Regarding the unzipping...I guess you are as much right as wrong.....its just that you don't often hear of unzipping a coat. Coat buttons I know about, coat zips I do not.
But to the BIG ISSUE. I have absolutely NO problem with prose, blank verse, rhyming verse or just story telling. This problem I have is this. When you write ANYTHING it is beholden upon you to either:
a) Please yourself by pleasing yourself.....no need to post under these circumstances. Anything goes.
b) Please your reader by pleasing yourself. This is more difficult because, yes, it is subjective on the reader.
Now, assuming that you are firmly in the (b) group, the reader's preferences are, of course, totally unpredictable. In order to be able to communicate your emotions, intent, meaning you must establish some common ground (or you are in the (a) group)
One of the best ways of doing this is to consistently use the same coding for the same intention. In any work this is true. After a few readings with this kind of "reliable" coding, the reader feels as though he can trust the writer to lead him wherever he wants to go. When you use "random" coding, there is a constant requirement on the reader to start again. Line breaks are just ONE of the codes used to tell the reader how you are thinking. Don't get me wrong...sometimes the complete lack of order in a piece is intentional (if you are writing as though you were a drunkard, an emotional wreck, high on drugs etc) ....but then it will be CONSISTENTLY dis-organised: assuming it is poetry and not just mindless rambling.
I cannot, in over 50 years think of a single piece of verse, free-verse, rhyming verse or prose that is made better by random grammar or random line spacing. Of course, I'm not dead yet.
Best,
Tom