Nursery

[tectak]

I lay and scream because I cannot stand and run –Wrong use of hyphen. There is no link needed to the next line. It stands on its own. A suitably enigmatic opener which initially implies a medical condition....we shall see
I have never walked on grass; I have never felt the sun. Normally, repetition of "form" can be a little "list" like. You may have got away with it here but it can be easily restructured. Your poem
I am in a massive warehouse but trapped in a small cage –Drop the hyphen it is just not required grammatically or rhythmically. This is a great line but I want it to be a metaphor....oh, god. It isn't!
I am soaked in a bath of feces; I am too numb to gag. The horror of this statement is grossly understated and comes as more of a shock due to its spontanaeity than its meaning. The impression is that you didn't know this was coming, either. That is unfortunate because it makes the "shock" element (after all, you left it in) gratuitously pre-emptive. In other words, you started and now you will continue in this vein.
I look into a puddle just close enough to reach; I drink the wriggling maggots –
Within me a silent screech.Same old same old. Hyphen. List. Then dreadful forced rhyme. With "reach" you are kind of stuck with "beach", "leech", "peach" or "teach". It doesn't take long to work out that you need to find another ending for the couplet but if you really are keen on the "...eech" try "beseech"
Eating away at my flesh, as this cage eats my soul.
I bite the metal bars – I will never get parole.Now the hyphen is not just passively wrong but dynamically so. The "bar biting" and "parole getting" are just not linked in any way. Hyphens are used to link words or syllables...unless you are using a dash? Dashes are substitutes for "and" or "to" as in chronological intervals. They are also used in pairs to ring-fence a statement or comment. Which is it? Neither methinks. The legs around me prod; they kick with aimless rage –
As a little girl at Christmas time chews innocently on my leg. I am now lost but will think hard about what this means. I have thought. No idea
Someone tell this little girl! Tell her of my pain! Help her understand my world so life is not in vain! I cannot help the comedic image of you in a bath of shit, dribbling maggots, in a chewed steel cage, in a vast warehouse, with your leg being consumed by a little girl in a christmas frock saying " Hey, somebody, can you tell this kid I am not happy about this situation." It lacks authenticity....even for a dream. As a metaphor for something it may become clear. We shall see.
Help her understand so she can make a choice - help her understand that the consumer as a voice.

Fuck me! Is that what this is all about? Shopping!!!!!!! You really had me going there. I'm off to Tesco's. I may never return.
HAS a voice. Check this sort of typo before posting in serious. Poetry here should be as good as you can get it BEFORE posting.
I cannot say that I noticed any attempt to make the rhythm or rhyme a permanent feature of this piece so I am left with the content. As a stand-alone piece it is a little predictable. Some of the rhymes are forced but that is self-inficted. By the way, I got the Nursery aspect early on but felt that the piece was way too heavy in its execution for such a subject. I looked for some other interpretation. I found metaphors...but not in a good way. Extended metaphors can become self-feeding. The writer (me included) can get carried away with the never ending opportunities that metaphors present to a receptive mind, but you must control the urge to gorge yourself...in the end, your metaphors will eat your poem and you. Burp!
Best,
tectak